What's it going to take?
Thursday, October 07, 2010
The second part of that question should be - to stop making the same mistake and putting myself LAST? I'm borrowing the title of a song from a certain ding-bat pop star, but it's how I feel - Oops, I did it again! The past year since I've been here on Spark I've learned a great deal about myself. Some good and some frustrating. I keep asking myself WHY I keep making the same mistakes and putting myself last. It's been a habit since I was a teenager, but one that I really want to brake.
Since my MIL passed away in August, I haven't been on Spark. I thought that dealing with the mess we were left to deal with was a priority and that once things settled down I would be back. Dumb idea! The woman never threw a thing away and my DH and I have been clearing out YEARS of clutter. There are days that I feel totally overwhelmed by all of this. For the last two months we've spent our weekends working on her house - sorting, packing, cleaning, donating, and throwing away. The days I'm working at her house I'm so tired at the end of the day, the last thing I feel like doing when I get home is cook dinner. So we've had take out food followed by plopping our tired butts on the sofa. Another great idea! Besides feeling like a limp noodle, I've gained 10 pounds, which landed directly on my @ss! Hey, I can't change what I don't acknowledge!
The last few nights I've had a hard time falling asleep because the error of my ways finally sunk in. I ignored the hints in the previous weeks by doing what I've always done - ignore myself and push through it. Did I pay attention when I had a fever of 102.8 for three days and couldn't drag myself out of bed? Nope! Or how about when I lifted a heavy box at her house and pulled my back, which took a little over a week to get better? Nope again! My body was trying to tell me to take better care but I didn't listen. That was my first lesson, which I failed.
The next lesson involves my lazy-@ss SIL. When she was here for her mother's funeral we asked her if she was going to come back and help us clear out the house. Her reply was "no, I don't have the time", which caused my chin to hit the floor and my blood to boil. She went back to California and her life and left us to handle a mountain of paperwork and years of crap to get rid of BEFORE we could even sell my MIL's house. She has however 'found time' to call me EVERY week to ask WHEN she will get a check from her mother's trust and to tell me how busy she is getting ready for cruising on her boyfriend's boat for 1-3 YEARS! Yep, I'm still boiling! Last week I called her to bring her up to speed regarding my last appointment with our attorney, only to be told by her "that she doesn't have time because she's SO INSANELY BUSY that day and must leave for the gym and an appointment with her Dermatologist" - to get MORE Botox shot into her already frozen face!
The clincher was when my DH told me about his sister's postings on Facebook, saying that she was sitting in the spa at the gym because she needed to RELAX. Then she posted a picture of herself at the beach with a caption saying that she was spending the day 'relaxing' at the beach. I however spent that day sweating like some kind of farm animal at HER mother's house cleaning my now 10 lb heavier butt off! That did it, I felt like a fire-breathing dragon. I have been aggravated for weeks by her lack of responsibility and the feeling of being burdened by this mess which has been dumped upon us. Yes I've felt resentful over this, but my anger shifted towards myself as once again it dawned on me - I did it to myself! I'm not saying that my SIL's behavior of always putting herself first, without ANY regard for others is right, but it made me see that we were two opposite extremes, without balance.
The third lesson hit me while we were watching The Biggest Loser the other night. One of the contestants was thinking of leaving and Bob gave her some words of wisdom about putting herself last. At first I commented to my DH that she was foolish for even thinking of walking away from an opportunity to change her life. The next words out of my mouth were "OMG, how could I judge her when I've done the same thing"? Talk about foolish!
It's obvious to me that I'm still learning and that I have a way to go. I know that old habits are hard to break, but I'm ready to try! I keep a day planner with a list of things that I need to take care of, in order of importance. Why is it that my healthy meal planning, cardio, and weight training are NOT on my list? When did I decide that everything else was MORE important? This morning as I looked at my planner, I fought the urge to blow-off my workout because there was too much I needed to take care of. I put my sneaker on and jumped on my bike, followed by a healthy breakfast and Sparking. The only person that's telling me to put myself AFTER everything else - is ME! Enough already, I'm tired of repeating the same mistakes and I'm ready to learn from them. Stop being a self-sacrificing fool and find some balance - THAT's at the TOP of my new to-do list!!!