Sunday, October 03, 2010
I think that sometimes, we all just have those days. You know, the ones where you just want to break down and cry, or scream at the top of your lungs, just because you feel so full of stress inside that you just have to get it out.
Today, for me, is one of those days. But really, I think it's been a long time coming. You see, two weeks or so ago, my daughter's father moved 1800 miles away because his girlfriend wants to live in California and not Texas. So, selfishly, he decided just to up and move, leaving behind a five year old little girl who now spends every morning before school, and every evening after, crying into my shoulder.
I am just so ANGRY and FRUSTRATED that even though this horrible decision was solely his, he is not having to deal with any of the consequences. No, instead, it's me, trying to calm down my daughter and get her to stop crying long enough to eat something. It's me trying to get her to DO something, besides just sit and weep and talk about how she can't live without her daddy. It's had me on edge since the day he left, and left her such a mess.
So, today she came home from visiting with her grandparents, and when her grandfather dropped her off, she was already crying. And she cried until she fell asleep 2 hours later, save for a short break to eat some ramen noodles. She lost her library book from school, and that sent her into another bout of tears. And I am just so on-edge and touchy from all the stress that I just wanted more than anything to call up her father and scream right in his ear....just scream out all of my frustrations to him. I guess that'd be a bit immature, though. So instead I sat on the couch and cried.
It always seems like if it's not one thing it's another. I missed two days of work on the last payperiod because I was sick, which brought my check down TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS - leaving me with barely enough to cover my car payment and rent. And of course, the water bill, cell phone bill, electric bill...they all showed up right in the nick of time for that. And, rent is due tomorrow but we still don't have the money order for it. I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.
But tonight, I did something different than I used to. Rather than eating a pint of ice cream, or drowning my sorrow in a pan of brownies, I read up on some motivational Spark Pages. And instead of wanting to eat my pain and frustration away, I just wanted to run it away. Of course, it's pitch-black now so I can't really...but I do see it as some sort of progress. Food is not going to be a crutch for me anymore, no matter how stressed I am.
I just need to take everything one day at a time.