Saturday, October 02, 2010
I feel so lost. I have been feeling lost since August 24. It was on that day that my boyfriend broke up with me and when he broke up with me I lost two of my best friends. Ray and Pixie. I understand why Ray broke up with me and I don't blame him. Yes, I was pissed off for a while but not at him. I was pissed off at the person who put him and therefore us in the situation we suddenly found ourselves in. I spent so long being pissed that everyone tells me that he is not worth any tears from me. Part of me agrees but the larger part says that I should feel free to cry over him and what we lost. This is not something I can do freely at home because my parents are two of the people who think I should be a cold hearted bitch. So, I find myself crying in the shower or at odd moments when I'm sure I'm alone.
For 5 months Pixie was the best friend a girl could ask for. In May when Ray broke my heart with a stupid argument we had she came and sat with me on my front porch at 5am and comforted me while I cried. Later that day once I had stopped crying she kept me from starting back up by dealing with Ray. When I decided to forgive him and give him a second chance she supported me with nothing more than a smile and a hug. We used to talk for hours in front of her house about everything and nothing at the same time. When everything started to happen that led to the breakup on August 18 she was supportive of me and let me cry on her shoulder. Then on the day of the breakup, I called her and sent her text messages because I needed my friend and I never heard from her. When I went to the bar later that week to meet with our group of friends, she was there hugging all over Ray. For reasons I will never understand that hurt more than the breakup ever did or ever will. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart and the knife was being twisted. That was the day I found out that the reason she didn't get back to me the day of the breakup is because she was trying to find a new home for her cat. That single sentence put a lot into perspective for me.
It has recently come to my attention that Ray and Pixie are now dating. While I realize I have no real claim to jealousy or right to feel hurt by this new development I do and I am. Suddenly I am questioning both relationships and I am doubting the integrity of both.
I feel so very lost. Why did this happen to me? Did the powers that be realize that I was genuinely happy and say that I'm not allowed happiness? Yes, I realize that in order to be happy you don't need a boyfriend, it is just that I finally felt like I was returning to the Candice that I was 3 years ago. While I have been trying to hold onto her I am so lost that I can't.
I'm just so lost.