Wednesday, September 29, 2010
"That'll do, Pig. That'll do." This is not meant to be a pejorative statement of my size; merely a reference to Babe's doing a good job. This/I am good enough.
Positive thinking. Motivational readings. Upbeat music. Researching. Always researching for something more, something better. Sometimes this search for more is actually a distraction from the real issues for me.
The great - I've lost 68 pounds and kept it off over the last two years. For the last several months I've been on a plateau. I have 12 more pounds to go and am having to dig deeper to increase my exercise level to get stronger, healthier, firmer.
Losing the weight itself has ceased to be as urgent an issue now that I'm in the healthy BMI range and am a size 8/10 instead of 18/20. I had several serious health issues and have resolved what can be resolved (4 surgeries in 2 yrs, lowered cholesterol and pre-diabetic risks). The weight loss and exercise activities have improved my health as dramatically as my looks!
So why the sense of dissatisfaction/angst? It is a deeper search. A quest for meaning, for self-acceptance, for purpose and community. As a sociologist I tend to research everything. Always searching for more data in which to help with my "paradigm shift" in life (read Thomas Kuhn's Theory of Scientific Revolutions if you want the background from a sociological perspective, but it it isn't necessary to follow the general gist here).
Ogres are like onions (a la Shrek). Onions have layers. Ogres have layers (not like layer cake!). I have layers too. Multi-level theory construction of Nancy. But I digress...
It may be I don't NEED a paradigm shift, another innovation, a new recipe, a new gadget, another idea, another exercise video/iMix. It may be that this is enough, that I am enough NOW to know who the true Nancy is. Simplify. Pare down.
Today is the day I am good enough. I am healthy enough, strong enough, smart enough, confident enough, informed enough, nice enough, "green/organic" enough...all to stop looking to others for answers and start acting as the conductor in the orchestra known as my life.
Today I shall sing and listen to my own voice in this orchestral choir.
My voice is telling me there is too much "noise" in this orchestral piece and that I need to KISS - keep it simple sister (not stupid!). I'm in the throes of redistributing. Weight, responsibilities, clutter, etc. I've recycled the magazines (read and those not read as well. I've had enough stacks of magazines!!). I need less clutter. I need simple. I need an internal quiet so that I can HEAR my own voice instead of the ADHD-like input from so many different, often contradictory sources.
So, "That'll do, Pig. That'll do." This/I am good enough to listen to my own voice and discover my own way.