Friday, September 24, 2010
No, I didn't eat Dunkin's Donuts - so not vegan! But, I did have donuts ... they were small (much smaller than Dunkin's I think - maybe 2.5 - 3˝ circle?) chai tea donuts with chai vanilla icing and cinnamon cream. Vegan, o' course.
I won a "make up our new flavor" donut contest from a local company and they delivered my custom vegan flavor today. I won a dozen. OMG, crap. I gave away ten. I ate two like dumbarse and am currently in deep food guilt.
I don't do it often and I'm trying to stay stable about it... with limited success.
UGH. I hate my brain.
I thought I was doing okay but feeling like I wish purging was an option probably isn't good. In the long run, eating these WON'T kill me! But, I'm feeling this urge to make sure I eat hardly anything tonight (big stirfry with lots of nutrient dense, calorie light veggies and bulky fiber!) to make up for it and work out extra hard tonight (not longer, just harder). I wish I weren't so disordered with food. If I were truly on an even keel, I could go "I ate two small donuts. So what? I don't do it often, it's not a habit and I enjoyed them. It'll all balance out with my days this week where I ate my lower end and is not the end of the world." In some ways, choosing to eat a lighter, veg heavy, healthy dinner rather that something carby and heavier IS a healthy way to manage it. If my mindset were better, I'd be fine with how I'm handling things. As it stands, I'm making a healthy choice in an unhealthy, disordered way.
It just extra sucks 'cause I LOVE FOOD. I love to cook and bake and try recipes. I look at recipes online a lot. Mostly I have to give them a pass due to not wanting to eat such "naughty" foods.
In good news, I'm going to try a short 3 mile run tomorrow to see how the foot goes.
I cannot wait 'til I can run again - I feel so much less insane about food when I'm running. Even thought I've been biking just about every day, I can't motivate myself to lift very often. I feel like I'm being lazy... My measurements haven't changed and I feel like I look the same. Clothes fit the same. So, it's doubtful that I'm gaining in any meaningful way while I'm not running but I feel less emotionally and mentally stable. I'm much more scared of regain.
I need to figure out a happy medium.
I like my weight to be 125. 126 is also acceptable.
If left to it's own devices, my body shoots for 127-129.
Is it worth fighting my body over so few pounds? Pounds only I notice?
I look leaner in the tummy at 125 but it's not by much (and it might have more to do with hydration levels, sodium and water retention/digestion than actual weight). Is that worth feeling PANICKY over food about?
I'm healthy. All my blood tests are great, no one would look at me and think me overweight or fat. I have no health related issues due to my weight. I can bike hills, run 20 miles, do plyo, use 10 lb. weights with my P90x DVDs (except straight arm stuff. YOW.) I have visible muscles, my legs are actually pretty gorgeous in their strength and muscling. I actually LIKE my arms and don't mind going sleeveless. I feel thin a fair amount. WHY AM I BEATING MYSELF UP FOR NOT LOOKING LIKE A SUPERMODEL? Shouldn't all the above be enough? Do I need to try to squeeze myself into society's tiny idea of what a beautiful woman is?
I wish there was a harmless pill I could take that would make me value function over form - and see form without nitpicking flaws. I am living in a lovely body now. It is strong and fit and can do things I never ever ever thought it could. So why does eating two donuts make me feel like a failure and start looking at my body as the enemy?