Friday, September 24, 2010
Emotional pain. It hurts. It hurts far worse, and longer, than physical pain.
This is a therapeutic blog; a rant. I was hurt this week. It cut deep and I will get over it; but this one will take time. Let me give the background.
When I moved back to Westchester around 2002, I started training at a local gym and hired a trainer; I will call him "K". When that gym closed, I moved to the only other gym close to my apartment and K was there as well. I would not call our relationship a friendship, but, over the years, we developed an acquaintanceship. K would train me from time to time and it took, like, two years for me to get a compliment out of him. I think he wanted to see deep my dedication ran for working out and living a healthy lifestyle. The day he gave me a compliment, I was on air for about a week; he said I was one of the hardest working people he knew. K was aware of the rheumatoid arthritis and has seen all of the surgeries. Eventually, the time came where he said I did not need a trainer anymore but, every now and then, I would hire him when I hit a plateau or need to alter my workouts due to a surgery. The first time I swam the Hudson for charity, he texted me that morning to wish me luck; I always remembered that because it meant a lot to me and I was surprised that he had remembered (the guys I work with didn't even do that!).
K is a good-looking, charismatic guy who is about 11 years my junior. I never looked at him in a romantic interest way; to me, he was just always "K". A few years ago, he told me he was getting married, which took me aback a bit as the man has a huge ego and is a big flirt..LOL! I always thought, though, that under the bravado, there was a good guy. But, I also always thought he was full of s--t a large majority of the time. I noticed that he was very light on following through with his word. He would cancel training appointments and basically I took things that he said with a grain of salt. I did tell him, from time-to-time, that he really needed to think about standing behind what he said. He would flirt with me from time to time and I would shut him down. He always seemed respectful toward me and made sure that I never felt disrespected by him.
So, fast forward to this year. All of a sudden, he is getting divorced after only a few years of marriage. All I asked him was if he had been unfaithful; he said no. He just said that people change (of course, he was referring to his wife, not himself). Being that I have been there, I told him that if he ever needed to vent, I was here for him. I was just trying to be a friend and never gave it a thought. All of a sudden, sometime in June, he started texting me "good morning" almost every day. Then, he started to pursue me, saying that he knows what he wants when he sees it. I asked him if he was on drugs (yep, I am pretty straightforward); like, why me and why now, after all this time? I was very, very leary; I told him that I think that he is going through a divorce and is looking for a distraction and that I am no distraction. He told me that every divorce is not emotionally draining. Hmmmmm; yeah, okay. He said that he had moved out in February (we were now in June; not a whole lot of time had passed). For about a month, I kept pushing him back. Then, I finally conceded.
I told him to come over one night and I wanted him to lay his cards on the table; I needed to know what it was he wanted so that I could decide if I could give it to him. When he came over, I think we were both nervous. To me, this was "K" and this, whatever "this" was, was going into different territory. I didn't want to lose the acquaintanceship. We had a couple of drinks and talked. He said he wasn't ready to be someone's boyfriend but that he definitely wasn't looking for a booty call; he said he would never do that to me. He said he wanted to get to know me. I made it clear (or thought so, anyway) that I was worth far more than being just a booty call and that I did not want him to bring me any drama or BS. He agreed but then started giving me, what I realize was now, a bunch of crap. He said that we really could not be seen together as people gossip and that the gossip could make our lives (his life) hell. He said that a lot of people know him and his soon-to-be-ex wife. He didn't want people to think that he was having an affair with me. He said part of the issue was that a lot of people know who I am, and know my truck, but, being that I am pretty standoffish, people do not know me. I do not speak to a lot of people, especially at the gym. So, if people saw us together, tongues would start wagging. I told him, straight-up, that he was a weak person. I am used to gossip; the less you tell people the more they want to know. K said that he really liked me, but, that if the gossip became too much, he would let me go. Seriously??? Whatever.
K has a busy schedule; so do I. However, I do make time for what I choose to and would have no problem making time for him. I mean, really; how can you get to know someone if you don't spend time with them? I saw K twice within one week; and then, that was it. It became very bizarre very quickly. He NEVER had time for "us". He would say how much he cared about me, how much he missed me but he would never be flexible in his schedule. He would BBM (Blackberry Messenger) me daily; saying good morning and good night, which I came to look forward to. He did not like to talk on the phone, either. Which I can understand - to an extent. There was one Sunday that he was supposed to come over, then canceled at the last minute because he had gotten drunk the night before and was too hungover. Nice. One time, I ignored him for two days because I came to see that he was emotionally detached, although he said he was not. He knew about the potential of having cancer and he knew about the impending surgery. K offered to be there for the surgery; he said that I should not have to go through it alone and, when I reminded him that he was not known for following through, he said this was different - that it wasn't like a training session. I do not typically like to lean on people during times like this; I prefer to handle it alone. I do not like to inconvenience people nor do I like to let myself lean on people because that makes me vulnerable. However, I finally conceded and said fine. Now, for two days, I just needed to be alone with my thoughts. I knew he wasn't going to come over if I said I needed him and I was tiring of being a goddamn pen pal! So, I shut off for a couple of days. Let me tell you; when I finally texted him, he went ballistic! He even called me...LOL! He said that if this was how I dealt with stuff, that he was running for the hills. Like, seriously? Whatever. I said fine, I wouldn't do it again.
It just continued on like this. He was becoming more weird, so I thought. For six weeks, I never saw him. He said he was "getting his financial affairs in order and was very focused" for a couple of weeks; he stopped saying good morning and good night and was a bit short. However, he also would notice if I didn't call him "babe" and, if I mentioned other guys, he would ask if he had anything to worry about. Ummm, I thought we weren't dating??? When I would become pissed and confused about the lack of time being spent together, he actually said that I needed to decide if he was worth waiting for!!!! I said he needed to decided if I was worth making time for. HE PURSUED ME!!! He said that he never thought we would take off like we did. I'm sorry?
I started to become increasingly angry; I thought "this" was bizarre and that he was an obnoxious ass. I told him that if all I needed was cute and a nice body, I could simply look in the mirror. I was becoming bored; he really would not carry a conversation unless we were talking about sex. He wouldn't tell me specifically where he lived, which pissed me off. I told him I needed more transparency with him. He said that he lived "far below his means" (to which I had to bite my tongue) and that his place was no place to bring a lady. Yeah; okay. I just told him that I didn't like him for what he had; I like him for what he was. He told me that he had a bachelor's degree in social work but there was no money in the field. He told me that he did have financial security, blah blah blah.
I will give most people a chance; but I will be damned if I am going to take anyone's crap. All I ask for is time and I communicated that to him. I have everything else. If you want to get to know me, fine; but you have to give me time.
Now, we all know it's a small world. I am standoffish, but I do know a lot of people. People seem to be comfortable talking to me, which I take as a compliment. I ran across a girl that knew him; from what I told her, she guessed who it was!! Come to find out, K has been like this with women for years. She never dated him; she dated his cousin for five years. She said that she used to have conversations with him about his attitude toward women. He thinks he is god's gift to women. He will see a woman on his own time, when he is ready. He lies. She has known women that he has dated and it's always the same story. He is looking for women to spend money on him (he actually told me he doesn't mind owing people!! - which I found to be a very unattractive thing to say). She told me that she thought I should run; as fast as I could. She said although she was friends with him, that she did not like him for me.
Over the past couple of weeks, we were supposed to get together a couple of different times; once, I got pissed enough where I canceled and told him that I didn't want to do "this" anymore; that I had too much to offer in the way of friendship or anything more. I told him that he had been treating me in a disrespectful and dismissive manner. He seem shocked but refused to take ownership of his actions and said that I was treating him as if he were the Anti-Christ. He put it all off on me; he is very self-absorbed and it's always about K - never about you. The next time, it was the weather and 95 was a parking lot; he got caught in traffic. The next time, last Sunday before surgery, he was supposed to come over at 6pm. I hadn't spoken to him in a couple of days and I texted him Sunday morning to confirm. He wouldn't give me a definitive answer; he said he was coaching and to give him a second. All I needed was a simple yes or no! At 5:30pm, he said that he couldn't be here at 6, that it was going to be more like 7:30p. I was like, why did it take you all day to tell me that??? I went off. This is how he always was; he wouldn't ask me what was convenient for me, he would tell me what it was and that basically he would see me when he got here. Excuse me? I told him 7:30 wasn't cool but I never said don't come. He took it as me saying don't come (although he never asked), so, when I told him to get his rear end here ASAP, he said you're kidding, right? So he gives me this story that he had something to do, blah blah blah, and that he wouldn't make it until later, but that he couldn't give me a time!! He said that he would be at the hospital on Monday but that, after that, he felt we should go back to being "just friends" as I did not understand him like he thought I should. I thought we were "just friends", as he kept saying. I was so pissed and so confused and, yes, I was edgy because I was nervous about the surgery. Eventually, around 9:30 - 10:00, I told him I was going to bed. He didn't respond.
Monday morning, I texted him the address of the hospital, driving directions and parking details. He didn't respond but I could see he read what I was writing. I told him I was nervous. I told him I did want him there but that I wasn't going to argue; I told him to just be the old K - the one I used to have fun with at the gym. No response. I called him; he didn't pick up. I told him I needed reassurance. He finally texted "Good luck; you will be better than ever when this is over". I asked him if he was on his way. No response. Right before I went in for surgery, I said "Ur not coming, r u?". No response.
He never showed up. I have never heard from him after Sunday night. He left me there. He effing chose that particular day and time to walk the eff away. He let me go into surgery wondering if he was coming. He never called to see how I was doing. As far as he knew, no one was going to be there with me. I was to a place where I was ready to lean on him, where I was going to depend on him; he could have wrapped his arms around me and I would have broken down. Which, according to him, is what he wanted. He kept telling me to let down my walls with him.
I.was.devastated. I cried after surgery. I broke down Tuesday night while talking to one of my girlfriends.
I do not understand how he could do this to someone; how he could do this to me. How could he be that cold and that cruel?
Of course, I am done with him. There is no excuse good enough that he could give me.
But the hurt is going to hurt for awhile. I can't forgive him. Not right now.