Resentment and Bad Feelings...
Friday, September 03, 2010
I had a really craptastic interpersonal week. Apparently it has been Bitch Week in Minnesota, and it is making me feel bad about myself.
The first incident, I was able to ignore. It hurt my feelings a bit, but I brushed it off for the most part. I didn't let it affect my eating and exercising at all, and I still felt fairly well about myself. It was a little snarky comment directed at me during the State Fair. There was a Harlequin tent there, as in Harlequin romance novels. I'm not sure if I've expressed my love of romance novels--but I love romance novels. I am working on writing one (or 5). I immediately went over and dragged my cousin's girlfriend because we were going to take a picture with the hot, half-naked men (shirtless, not pantless). They were fine taking the picture, but as we were walking away one sort of gave me the You're-a-bull-and-the-world's-
a-China-shop look and said, "Don't knock that over!" All frustrated. 1) I was no where near the cup that he didn't want me to kick, and 2) real nice being an ass to the girl who was excited that there was a Harlequin tent. I'm sure your bosses would be real excited that you're alienating their demographic--and possibly one of their biggest purchasers!
Anyway, I let it go for the most part, but then today, after work, I went to Nordstrom's to pick up something from Clinique and to pick up my mom's pants that had been altered. I went into the department for the pants and the lady was a total freaking bitch! From the second she saw me. She half rolled her eyes, then I said I was picking something up and she gave me that up-and-down look, and went off to get it. She came back without it, asked me to spell the name on a sheet of paper, and then said (again with the up-and-down), "They told you to come to THIS department?" It was that look and that question in that way of, "Why are you even down here? YOUR department is upstairs." She couldn't say much once she found the f-ing pants of course, but still she was rude. I just about smacked her I was so mad.
Well, my self-esteem took a total nosedive after that. I went to the gym, even though I had zero desire after that, but I thought maybe I would be angry enough to work off some energy.
Then I did something stupid. I knew I shouldn't. It's RIGHT before my period, which means I'm bloated and feeling extra heavy, but I wanted to make sure my scale at home was right. I told myself at the beginning of the week, once I figured out I was in the throes of PMS that I wouldn't weigh myself until NEXT Friday. The scale was the same number (after subtracting my shoes and clothes and an extra pound for food eaten today) as at home...which means I hadn't lost anything. "Ok," I tried to tell myself, "Don't worry about it." Then I did my body fat analysis...it was down 2% from my original, but I didn't think that was enough!
You see where this is going? Not anywhere good.
I did work out for an hour, and I went as hard as usual (even a little harder), but I couldn't make myself do more. And when I got out of the gym all I thought was, "God, I just want a huge bowl of ice cream right now." Then I got all resentful because I wasn't going to have that because I didn't figure it into my calories for the day.
I am fairly good now. I didn't have the extra taco that I wanted, but didn't actually feel hungry for. I had a peach that was very satisfying, and I didn't eat the ice cream.
Still...I'm going to bed and it's 8 o'clock. Tomorrow will hopefully be a whole lot better (I have yoga, so it's already looking up!).