Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I've had a pretty rough last week. I feel like I've fallen off the health bandwagon, at least partially. I got all my cardio in last week but my eating was crap. I already took 2 days off cardio this week (not entirely my choice, but still) and I know I won't get cardio in for the remaining 5. And I've been really depressed.
You know how most people seem to undergo this great personality change as they lose weight? They become bright and sparkly and happy and glowy. Not me. I'm becoming a bigger bitch every single day. Not due to the weight loss, but because I don't know how to NOT be this embittered, resentful monster about all the crap situations of my life and the crap people that have remorselessly screwed me over.
Being this nasty, angry person all the time makes me feel even worse; after all the bs I've been through, now I have to be stuck with this miserable person all the time. But it just seems that the more I try to change--or at least keep myself in check--the worse it gets, until I reach the point where it's actually easier just to admit that I have no redeemable qualities, accept where I am, and wallow in my own self-hatred. And it's hard to focus on eating healthy or working out or losing weight when it's such a small part of the puzzle. Yeah, I'm losing weight, but I'm more despicable day by day.
Today went much better. I can't say why. I don't know why the depression and self-hatred came on so incredibly strong all of a sudden. I don't know how to keep them at bay. I don't know how to keep trying to change 27853 things I hate about myself every day.