Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Hm. So, I've taken this week off work to relax and basically unwind from all the stress... and finish doing my house up, with the intention of putting it on the market and moving to a nicer town nearby. I took a couple of things to the postbox today, and on the way back ran into Alex, my ex. We had a brief chat and I left to go home. A few hours later, after the working day, I was happily painting away and there was a knock at my door... it was him again. Now, since I broke up with him ten months ago he's been in my house twice- once to pick up books when I was in hospital in Jan, and once to return some items in late March, so this was a little unexpected. He told me that he wants to get back together and how he loves and misses me... I didn't know what to say; yes, I've sort of missed him, but that's been vastly outweighed by everything else that's gone on- three brain surgeries, diminishing eyesight, increasing numbers of migraines, stress at work, family rubbish...
And that's not to say that when I was painting earlier, before I'd seen him, I wasn't thinking about him. Just sort of marvelling at the fact that if we'd not broken up last year, there's a good chance we'd be engaged by now and would certainly be living together. And I was comparing that to the thought that I wouldn't have got to see as much of my lovely friends, wouldn't have become such good friends with a couple of people at work (they were slightly put off before by the fact that I was with him- he's very... staid), probably wouldn't have fought so hard for the job title and wage rise at the beginning of the year, and probably wouldn't be in the potentially very positive position at work that I'm now in. So, sort of imagining how things could have been.
I think I know what I want; I'd rather know my own mind, have my own house and posessions, not have to compromise and, yes, be a little lonely sometimes. What Alex offers is pretty much just... social acceptability- my family don't think I'm weird for not having a boyfriend, I'd have someone to go to the pub etc with. I'm trying not to be bitter for the fact that he left me to get on with my illness on my own, and remember that I probably pushed him away some. I don't think I love him any more. Which is sad, and I really don't look forward to telling him that, but it's true.
On the bright side, diet and exercise carries on apace. Go me!