Sunday, August 22, 2010
This one is going to be a long one, sorry.
I am so melancholy and it is mainly because I always feel I have to be perfect. I am a Leader of a very popular weight loss team and I have felt for such a long time that I could not share what has been going on in my life. I have shared what been transpiring with the other Leader, DawnWaterwoman or I would have totally lot it months ago. I have hinted to a few of the Co-Leaders but I have not come out in the open and told my Team. I have it in my head that the Leader must be strong and a shining example to all or the Team will fail.
I guess I hold myself to a higher standard because months ago one of the other Co-Leaders wanted to step down because she was on steroids and gaining weight and I said no. I told her that we are all human and being on steroids is out of her hands and that she canít be held accountable for gaining weight because that is a natural side effect with steroids. That she was a very motivation co-leader and her dilemma with steroids was only a short term factor. She was too valuable to step down.
Do I listen to my own advice? That is a big NO! I have kept my mouth shut and have said nothing to anyone other than Dawn. I knew back in the Spring I was gaining some pounds because I certainly did not feel as though I was losing. You see, when I went on the steroids at the end of January for the shingles I knew that if I saw the scale show a few pounds gain it would be doomsday for me. I decided that I would not weigh myself. What I did not know would not hurt me. It worked for a while.
I had gotten down to 303 at the end of December and that is where my weight loss ticker stayed. I kept getting messages for other Sparkers how much of a role model I was and they were excited for me because I was so close to the 200ís I felt so guilty and so ashamed to have people thinking that I decided to take my weight loss ticker down.
I felt like such a fraud but I did not want to say anything to my Team. We have a Weight Loss Challenge and I keep the numbers. I saw a major pattern emerging where it looked like we had more people gaining weight than losing weight. I internalized this and took the blame because after all I was the Leader and I was failing them. I was gaining weight and that is why they were gaining weight.
I could not make any sense out of it other than that. It had to be me. How could they be gaining weight now when the last challenge, July thru December was harder to stay on track with all of the holiday goodies staring them in the face? The only answer was that they were following my lead and gaining the weight too. Now I definitely did not want to share with the team the havoc the steroids were doing to my weight loss or lack there of.
Every time I think there is light at the end of the tunnel and I think my Doctor is going to take me off the steroids something happens. I was supposed to be off them in 2 weeks but the shingles would not go away and they are on my face. I stayed on them another 10 days and then she took me off. A few weeks later I was back on them and was told no ifs and or buts that I would be on them for 30 days straight. I would come back to see her and she would re-evaluate. Well I canít tell you how many 30 day segments have passed but I am still on them. They are very dangerous on the face because if they go into your eyes, you can go blind.
I feel as though a black cloud has been following me, thus adding to my stress and shingles outbreak. Just when I think they are finally gone something happens:
I switched jobs
My car broke down and needed major repairs with money I did not have
My brother has been driving me crazy because one minute he is leaving the job and the next minute he will stick it out. You see I went inside as his assistant and quit my job so if he goes, I have no job.
My laptop died, another expense I did not need plus it kept me from Sparking
I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 years Ė we are now back together
And I was stressing because I could not get off the steroids
I had not been weighing myself but I went for my mammogram they weighed me. I almost had a heart attack on the spot. I had gained back close to 30 pounds. I totally freaked. I did tell Dawn but still not the Team. Well, I weighed myself the other day and I have gained back the 50 pounds I lost on our weight loss challenge. I was devastated,
This past Saturday I went to my Eye Doctor and she said you look great, you have lost weight. I burst into tears right on the spot because I had not and everything had built up so much I could not hold in it any longer. We sat and had a long conversation about my shingles, my diabetes because they do affect your eyes big time, and the steroids. Mind you this is my Eye Doctor not my Dermatologist or Family Care doctor. My face looked absolutely awful and she could see everything. I was running late for my appointment and I did not have time to put my Bare Minerals on my face to cover them.
She took pictures of my pupils which actually was quite neat. She told me my diabetes was not affecting my eyes yet. There were no broken blood vessels or bulging veins. The eyeball was firmly attached to my brain and she was quite happy. Me, I was mesmerized because none of the other eye doctors I ever went to did this but then again I wasnít a diabetic then either. She also took my blood pressure and it was normal.
Normal, I feel normal except for the fact my ankles and feet are so swollen. I am praying at this point that most of the weight gain is fluid due to the steroids. My face looks like a chipmunk. My clothes for the most part still fit, so where are these 50+ pounds hanging out?
I canít weigh myself at home because my scale only goes to 330 so I will have to weigh myself at the gym tomorrow. It better not be much more than the 50 pound weight gain or I will kill myself.
Thank God I have been eating correctly, I am staying within my ranges but I am craving and eating carbs. I am trying to limit them to just one meal a day and the kind I am talking about are rices and pasta, not the good carbs like fruits and veggies. I eat tons of fruits and veggies bit I a no where near 100% Raw which is where I want to be. I am also exercising like crazy, most days 2 hours and on Mon-Wed- Fri it is like 3 hours because my weights and machines take me an hour to do. I have been a crazy woman about exercise since on these steroids hoping to keep the weight down. It obviously did not work now did it?
So how could I have gained all the weight back that I did? I have been carrying this deep dark secret around and it has been killing me inside. I feel as though I have lost my Spark most days. I can not tell you how many times I just wanted to leave Spark People.
It certainly did not help when my computer crashed and I was without a computer for weeks except my laptop at work. I was Sparking less and less. I donít care what anyone says, the more you Spark the better you do and vice versa for when you are not Sparking, My time factor with my job is helping any either. I used to be able to sneak in minutes her or there when I worked at home on my other job. This job is just so much more hectic and busy. There were more night last week that I did not get home from work until well after 9 PM and then I was too tired to Spark.
I am exhausted from my job, I am exhausted from not being able to sleep, and then getting up well before dawn to get my exercise in, and I am exhausted from hiding my deep dark secret of gaining my weight back. I have seriously questioned if I was just one big fraud for doing so and it has weighed heavy on my heart.
So now that this is out in the open even though I will be embarrassed as Hell my weight ticker goes back up tomorrow after I weigh myself at the gym. I am following my own advice I have given others and just start over. I have to start over as far as the weight coming off again. I have been living a healthier lifestyle and I am constantly reading to learn new things each day. I have been tracking my food, fitness, and water all along. Again I ask how could I have gained this much in 8 months? It wasnít even like I was eating the foods that would cause weight gain. Man if I had to gain I should have at least been able to have fun doing it like eating chocolate, pizza, subs, ice cream, cookies, cakes, pies Ė all of the stuff I have not been eating.
I need to put my pride behind me and let my team know what is going on. I always hold things in which is one reason I have rosacea outbreaks and right now I canít seem to get rid of these shingles. I for some reason canít tell people what is really going on inside my head. I always have to be perfect or do the right thing and I need to knock that off. I need to let them help me. Let them motivate me. One thing I have always said about our team is that one of the things we do best is help each other. Now it is my turn. I need help, love, and support. I want my Spark back and start motivating people again.
It is not just my Team I need to come clean with. I need to put this out to all of Sparkleland. I have so many dear Spark Buddies out there that have been concerned about me. They knew something was off and were trying to lend a shoulder to cry on or to lean on. I just wasnít ready to put it into words because I did not want to disappoint anyone. I know a lot of people follow my blogs or have motivated by me and I did not want to let them down. Many of them have told me I am a role model to them and I did not want to tarnish that image.
I have a week until my next Dermatologist appointment and I pray to God she takes me off these damn steroids. I need things to go back to normal. I will work my butt off to get back to the weight I was at the end of the year and then continue on till I reach my goal. I will get back to that point where I am a role model once again. I will get back to that point that when some one sends me a goodie I don't feel like I don't deserve it or feel guilty about it,
I can do this! I will not get discouraged and just throw the towel in (and I have thought about it). I can and will do this!