Uphill Battles and Vicious Cycles..
Friday, August 20, 2010
It's been a rough summer for weight loss. I know I'm mostly to blame, but I also feel there are some outside factors that loom heavily over me. So here's the gist of things, I haven't lost even a single pound all summer. I've seen my water weight (I'm assuming) fluctuate a pound or three, but nothing else. I've been trying very hard to stay in my calorie range, but it's been much harder the last few months. It used to be food was the one thing that when I wanted to, I could control it. I could choose not to eat, I could choose to eat more healthfully. I don't know if it's the new birth control, the fact that my thyroid meds have been wrong most of the summer, or what, but I've been craving food sooo much. I've been trying to eat healthy alternatives. When I have a sweet tooth, I've been eating cereal instead of 10 cookies, so that's something, right?
I don't know what it is, but the harder I try, the more obsessed I've become with food. I hate this. This is what I do when I "diet". I get obsessive and then I think about nothing but food and when and what the next meal would be. I don't want to be that person anymore. I've been trying to keep busy cleaning, working on jewelry, and other things, but they are only temporary diversions. Mostly I think I have been within my calorie range (sometimes at the high point, but not over). I have been over my designated amount of exercise according to the numbers I plug in, but who knows how accurate that is. I am going to try very hard next week to make my routine more regular. I need to get back to the treadmill.
We've been playing tennis, hiking, and kayaking this summer, but it's not enough. I've only done that on the weekends, and honestly not nearly enough to burn the calories and give my body a good work out. I think it was easier in the beginning where I was going into it from a health perspective and not worrying about whether I lost weight or not. If I did, great, if not, at least I would feel better than when I just sat around doing nothing. I think I need to get back to that. I really want to be comfortable in my own skin, no matter what size that is. It needs to be about taking good care of my body so I can do the things I want to do. I've thought about taking a break from the scale for a good long while, but that seems terrifying to me now. I think it's more that I'm scared of gaining back what I've fought so hard to lose more than wanting to lose more (even though I DO want to lose). I don't want to struggle quite so hard every day, and I certainly don't want to feel this way the rest of my life (which is how long I want to keep the weight off). I need help. I'm asking now, I don't know what else to do.