Starting again, again.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
"Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together." -- Vincent Van Gogh
I set goals, achieve them and then move on to the next thing. I don't like to try anything I'm not good at or that I might fail at. Every two years or so, I tell myself that I'm going to lose weight and get serious about my health, but I always find myself back where I started and completely off track. What I have been doing hasn't been working for me - I am afraid of failing to lose weight and get in shape, so I give up completely. I need to understand this in order to reach my goals.
I am an emotional eater. I eat because I feel bad about myself, and then I feel worse about myself for eating, so I eat more. I need to learn to understand my triggers and work through them. I need to understand that small failures are an inevitability, but that I can succeed at anything I put my mind to and truly want. Food will not make me happy, but being skinny will not make me happy either. There are healthy, productive ways to deal with my emotions. I need to address the underlying issues that make me unhappy, that make me feel empty, and not turn back to the destructive patterns of my past. Food, external praise, friends, attention, and awards cannot make me truly happy. Food is not love.
I will turn back to the destructive patterns of my past. I will fail. I will probably do this many times, but it is only in failing that I can succeed. It is only in giving up my intense need to control, to succeed, to win that I will ever become the person that I can be. I have to be ok with that.
I can't lose weight for anyone else - I will fail. I need to always keep my goals in mind and my goals have to be centered around my happiness, my health, my life, and my self-image. I cannot define my success by external benchmarks. I need to remember that success does not equal happiness, that skinny will not equal happy, and that I can do this.
Being overweight is not a failure, and I have to stop being ashamed of myself for being fat. I need to embrace my goals as part of a larger goal of self improvement and self fulfillment. I have to tell people that I am trying to lose weight, just like I would tell people I was looking for a new job or trying to go back to school or taking classes. I can no longer keep my goals to myself out of fear that other people will know I'm failing.
I will succeed. I may not reach my goal weight. I may never be a size 8. I will set realistic goals for myself. I have never been skinny, and maybe I never will. I will address the issues that cause me to overeat, to be ashamed of my body, and to feel badly about myself. I will embrace self-improvement as a journey, with weight loss as only one small part of that journey. I will figure out what I want, and how to get it. I will be honest with myself and with other people, and I will be happy.
I will be a better me.