Wednesday, August 11, 2010
This would be the part in the TV episode where I'd get into the Confessional Room and stare into the camera.
I have a confession to make.
I am guilty of going from 0 to 60mph, not planning, and in the end - disappointing myself.
I decided that in going from attending the gym approx. 2 or 3 times in the past 5 months, I was going to go every single day, without fail, out of the blue.
Just like that, my habits would totally change. Just because I said so. Not because I actually DID anything about them.
Very interesting as to how I assumed that would work, no?
Sarcasm aside, I've not been doing what I said I was going to do. And this time, instead of blaming myself and beating myself up and being mad at myself, I removed the blame. I thought about what I'd say to someone who said "I want to workout but I'm lacking the motivation right now. I'm lacking the habit."
I didn't judge myself. I just decided that I would recreate my habits during the rest of the year, when I WAS doing what made me happy and feeling great.
I decided that I was going to do all of the things that I WISHED and said I wanted to do this year. I'm actually scheduling them in and making them a goal.
I fixed my bike. Now I want to ride it.
I went hiking last Sunday. HOLY CRAP. 2.5 hours of hiking at Blue Hills in MA (go, go, go if you want a fantasticly awesome/killer workout in the area) and I simultaneously realized that I a) cannot WAIT to be back in shape and b) REALLY need real hiking shoes. Sauconys just don't cut it on super steer and rocky terrain.
I want to learn to sail. My boyfriend's mom has a sailboat and is going to teach me this month.
I want to learn to swim (better than the doggy paddle) so I'm hitting the pool tomorrow morning at the YMCA. The boyfriend is going to teach me to crawl so I don't swim into people in the lanes. I'm thinking of signing up for some swim lessons too!
Speaking of which, I resigned up at the Y. I miss it. I feel more comfortable there than at Gold's. Not sure why; maybe it was just that it was the first gym I joined when I moved here, or that there are so many different people that go there, or the fact that they have a pool and that's great for my back right now - whatever it is, I'm really excited to go back. The newness and familiarity of it will be helpful to motivate me to use it. I went out and bought an official Speedo and goggles to use at the pool!
I signed up for a Kundalini yoga workshop, which is a style I haven't learned about yet. I'm super excited. I'm still going to yoga twice a week and practicing at home. Last week, while brushing my teeth, I turned and moved my arm in a specific way and saw new muscles where I've never seen muscle definition! It was awesome. Definitely a testament to yoga practice.
As far as the body image and weight thing goes, well, I'm much kinder to myself than I used to be. I try not to say negative things and replace them with positive things. I try to tell myself that when I'm DOING the things that I know I love and are healthy and positive, then that replaces the thoughts about WISHING I would do them. Doing vs. wishing. It's not rocket science, I keep telling myself.
I've seen a few pictures of myself from this summer, and I'm starting not to recognize myself again. You know when you see the picture, and you're like, "REALLY? That's what I really l0ok like? Really? Are you sure? Hmmmm..."
I'm no longer satisfied with saying that I'm going to do things and not actually doing them. I'm no longer satisfied with deleting or getting rid of pictures that I don't like (which is all of them now). I'm not satisfied with my body and how I feel, so I'm continuing to make awesome and healthy goals.
One of the goals I'm considering is a monthly weigh in. I think I get too wrapped up in the numbers whether "good" or "bad." I'm still the same person, no matter what. I can still spell really well. I can still make my boyfriend laugh. I can still cook a mean blueberry muffin, whether I'm 290 or 190 pounds. But then, I also know that if I can just look at the number as a NUMBER, and not tie it to self worth, it does help to weigh in each week.
I don't think my sense of self worth is any different - I just don't like how I FEEL about myself. It's not okay not to love my body, to me. It's NOT okay not to be the healthiest person I can be, especially with all the health stuff going on for me this year.
This morning I saw some pictures my sister sent from a 4th of July party last month. I had this overwhelming urge to delete and chastise myself for being the same weight as last year. For yet again, being upset and disappointed. And then I realized that I should use that. I shouldn't be upset - just change my mentality. I know that I can do this, I just need to develop those habits again, be consistent and believe I can do this - and, plan, plan, plan!
Tomorrow I'm hitting the pool for a test run and then getting to yoga. Friday I'm cleaning to studio and taking a stroll after work prior to going to friend's for game night! Saturday or Sunday, depending on the weather - we're going hiking again, and I can't wait to conquer the whole trail! :)