Friday, August 06, 2010
As anyone who's followed my journey knows, I'm suffering from back problems, which are radically changing what exercise I can do. This has led to some depression, which is an unusual state for me. (Energizer bunnies get more frenetic when under stress.)
For the last month, I've made the rounds of various specialists to determine exactly how many discs have to come out and how much of a spinal fusion I'm in for, plus find someone who's willing to work on a spine that already has hip bones fused in to fix a bad break.
Since sitting is the most painful position, visits to doctors can be excruciating. Plus, I've had to move my laptop into the kitchen so I can work standing up.
At any rate, last night I was talking to a friend about the daily challenge of getting in my calorie burn and my insane fear that if I don't, I'll wake up some morning 100 pounds heavier.
Her response was, "It's okay if you gain weight now. You know how to lose it."
Her comment bothers me on so many levels.
First, it reminds me of the way I thought when I was thin, never thought about exercise 'cause my life was so active and ate healthy food 'cause there isn't much else available in the third world. Since weight was never an issue for me, I didn't understand how difficult it is to change patterns that become comfortable.
Second, while I know "how" to lose it, do I really want to go through all that again? I mean, seriously. Just trying to lose a bit more is difficult. I pretty much have to maintain about a 500 calorie deficit a day to maintain my weight. Simple calories in/calories out doesn't do it.
Third, she seems to buy into the American dream that there is a trick to this journey. And, now that I know the secret handshake, it will be no problem.
I miss biking so much it hurts. I can't bring myself to move my bike into storage. I need to be able to see it every day so I know why I'm struggling to keep moving when it would be so much easier to admit defeat.