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Friday, August 06, 2010

I woke up early this morning to do W1D2 of C25K. To be honest - it SUCKED. The only thing that keeps me doing this running thing right now is that when I'm not running, I think/feel like I want to run. But while I'm doing it - WHOLE other story. First of all - waking up earlier than 9am just isn't my thing. I'm a night owl, and I'm blessed to have a job that doesn't usually require my presence earlier than 10am (I've been pushing it to 11am lately because I tend to stay until 7pm or later most nights anyway). When I DO wake up early, I'm a grump. I get a big case of the "I don't wannas" that can carry forward into my day. So getting up this morning to RUN, no less, was tasking in and of itself. I also had no idea what to eat. I didn't want to eat anything heavy before running, but I knew I had to have something in my gut so as not to pass out half way through, so I gulped a glass of almond milk and threw myself out the door before I could change my mind.

Now I've been reading enough about running and lurking around the group pages long enough to have picked up on some of the "running dialect", but what didn't help this morning was that for whatever reason I got the word "Bonk" stuck in my head. At about sprint #6 of 8 all I could think was "Bonk, Bonk, Bonk". I know what bonking means - I wasn't bonking, the almond milk was doing its thing. This was just my brain's lovely way of telling me that I wanted to stop. But I didn't really want to stop. I didn't really HAVE to stop. I knew I could do it. So although part of my brain was yelling "BONK" through Robert's C25K Podcast, a smaller, more meaningful part of my brain was also yelling "Push", "You can do this", "Look how far you've come!" It was a noisy morning in my head.

After a shower, some real food, and pulling on my "skinny" jeans with ease (my 22s fit beautifully now, but are actually even starting to gape at the waist already), I found myself sitting on the bus on my way to work, the Glee soundtrack playing through my Ear Candy headphones - and I started to cry. Before, when I would get public rushes of emotion, I would choke them down, wall them up and bottle away whatever feeling was coming to the surface. But this morning, I just threw on my sunglasses and let the tears roll. I was happy. These were not tears of frustration, or loneliness, or need. These were real, honest tears of joy and personal satisfaction. Yes getting up at the butt crack of dawn is horrid. But look at what I did. Look at what I'm accomplishing. And look at how it's making me feel. (I did say previously that my version of exercise euphoria is cracked out - sometimes I giggle like a teenage girl - apparently this morning I felt the need to cry - random, but I dig it).

Since investing a lot of time and energy in personal counseling, I am careful to not choke down emotion anymore. When a feeling bubbles to the surface, it's important to recognize it, understand it, and let it have its moment - it's there for a reason, and it's like a gift from your subconscious to your conscious state with a card that reads "I'm here too". I have spent too many years fighting back tears (happy and sad) and walling up my feelings for fear of embarrassment or being singled out - and ironically enough, those years have brought me nothing but a fat exterior that both embarrasses me and singles me out on a daily basis. To think that all I ever had to do was FEEL to not eat instead of eating to try to feel something. I had it all backwards.

So I had a breakthrough on the bus. I'll take it. It means I'm healing. I'm getting better at this. I'm moving forward. And deep down there, somewhere in the sludge, the feeling bubbles are slowly coming to the surface.

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  • JRIMM4
    Sounds like an amazing morning! From the grumbling 'get ups' to the breakthrough on the bus.

    emoticon emoticon

    2777 days ago
  • WOLVEY1919
    This is just a seriously awesome blog. You are so amazing! Great job and good luck! Congrats on being THE DONE girl.
    2777 days ago
    Great job! Thank you for sharing....
    2778 days ago
    emoticon blog emoticon Thanks for sharing! You are doing amazing things and I'm proud of you!
    2779 days ago
    Wow. Not choking down emotion is such an awesome accomplishment. I am so happy for you - you are really pushing the inner boundaries and that takes wild amounts of courage.

    I am so proud of you for getting up early to run - 'cause girl getting up early is just not my thing. But I have to admit when I make that early morning gym workout that triumphant feeling follows me all day long. So I get it.

    Isn't it great about the 22s gaping at the waist - there is nothing like that feeling of pants falling on down. Keep 'em falling, gorgeous. Sounds like fun to me :)
    2779 days ago
    i don't remember how i got to your page this morning, but it may have been the best thing i've done in awhile. i see your pictures and see your progress and *FEEL* every word you type...your story is great, your thread is inspiring, and i can't wait to see how far you can go! its weird to have these excited feelings of triumph for people you've never met, but i love it. your success with spark is inspiring! keep up the good work - i'm jealous you're running, i'm not there yet...or maybe i'm psyching myself out...who knows...but you've inspired me! thank you!
    2780 days ago
    I know what you mean by feeling like you need to run. I start feeling the same way sometimes. Unfortunately I'm not supposed to... but I must admit I do sneak in a few bursts here and there. You are doing so wonderful though girl!! You are definitely one of my inspirations!!
    2780 days ago
    You are such an inspiration! Every night I set my alarm to get out of bed before everyone else so I get a workout in and every morning I hit the snooze. I am in awe at the drive that you have to get done what you have to do. You're doing awesome with the c25k. Just take your time with it and have fun. I'm still bouncing back and forth between weeks 3 and 4 for like 3 weeks now! All in due time.
    2781 days ago
    Shades of my own story. Thanks for sharing and bringing me back to my own reality. You are amazing
    2781 days ago
    Great job! I am up for W1D2 tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to it. I noticed that you called the running part a sprint. Yesterday when I did day 1, I definitely didn't sprint, it was a really slow jog, but it felt good to be running- which is a really odd feeling for me. Maybe try and slow down on the running part and it might seem easier until you get more used to running.

    Good Luck!
    2781 days ago
    So glad you had that breakthrough. You're doing amazing things and it'll only get better. I agree with the other folk, try a banana or something or apparently eating right before you go to bed is also good for morning runners!
    2781 days ago
    Totally would have had a banana this morning, but the scientist ate the last one in the house yesterday. My bad - I should have told him I was saving it for my run this morning. I also had the advice from my work friend who runs to eat a granola bar with water which I could have done. I know I'll find that thing that works - it just always hurts to consume calories before actually "consuming" calories for the day...I have VERY long days to get through and even spreading things out is leaving me hungry at the very end of the day. Working on it!
    2781 days ago
    Yay for you! Way to go. I totally get the "butt crack of dawn" thing. And I usually have a banana before morning workouts, but everyone is different. You'll have to find what works for you. :)
    2781 days ago
  • WYND10
    Jenn I love your open and honest blogs. This brought tears to my eyes, for myself as much as for you. You're doing a fantastic job! And look at all you are learning along the way. I applaud you. I cheer you on. I am pleased to call you friend.

    You've made me think that perhaps I should start the c25k again. I've been avoiding it since it hurt my leg so much last time. Thank you for being an inspiration.
    2781 days ago
    Wonderful that you pushed through it! I find that my biggest battle is just getting started in the morning. It helps when I go to bed knowing exactly what I will be doing (no vague notions of working out), when I set out my exercise clothes the night before, and even when I insert the DVD ready to play if I've decided to do a video. Let's me just roll out of bed and start doing it before the excuses start seeping into my brain!

    I often don't eat at all before working out (just being hydrated is enough), but if I do want something, I usually stick to a banana or a low-fat bran muffin. When I work out hard I get a little queasy and having a full belly is never a good idea then!
    2781 days ago
  • KARVY09
    You are amazing. And please, let me tell you how much easier it gets once your body gets used to it. Even much thinner girls have trouble getting started with running, so please don't let the toughness of these first few weeks deter you. You can do this!!!

    Try a banana or another piece of fruit. That's always what I go to for my morning runs.

    Have a great weekend!
    2781 days ago
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