Friday, August 06, 2010
I woke up early this morning to do W1D2 of C25K. To be honest - it SUCKED. The only thing that keeps me doing this running thing right now is that when I'm not running, I think/feel like I want to run. But while I'm doing it - WHOLE other story. First of all - waking up earlier than 9am just isn't my thing. I'm a night owl, and I'm blessed to have a job that doesn't usually require my presence earlier than 10am (I've been pushing it to 11am lately because I tend to stay until 7pm or later most nights anyway). When I DO wake up early, I'm a grump. I get a big case of the "I don't wannas" that can carry forward into my day. So getting up this morning to RUN, no less, was tasking in and of itself. I also had no idea what to eat. I didn't want to eat anything heavy before running, but I knew I had to have something in my gut so as not to pass out half way through, so I gulped a glass of almond milk and threw myself out the door before I could change my mind.
Now I've been reading enough about running and lurking around the group pages long enough to have picked up on some of the "running dialect", but what didn't help this morning was that for whatever reason I got the word "Bonk" stuck in my head. At about sprint #6 of 8 all I could think was "Bonk, Bonk, Bonk". I know what bonking means - I wasn't bonking, the almond milk was doing its thing. This was just my brain's lovely way of telling me that I wanted to stop. But I didn't really want to stop. I didn't really HAVE to stop. I knew I could do it. So although part of my brain was yelling "BONK" through Robert's C25K Podcast, a smaller, more meaningful part of my brain was also yelling "Push", "You can do this", "Look how far you've come!" It was a noisy morning in my head.
After a shower, some real food, and pulling on my "skinny" jeans with ease (my 22s fit beautifully now, but are actually even starting to gape at the waist already), I found myself sitting on the bus on my way to work, the Glee soundtrack playing through my Ear Candy headphones - and I started to cry. Before, when I would get public rushes of emotion, I would choke them down, wall them up and bottle away whatever feeling was coming to the surface. But this morning, I just threw on my sunglasses and let the tears roll. I was happy. These were not tears of frustration, or loneliness, or need. These were real, honest tears of joy and personal satisfaction. Yes getting up at the butt crack of dawn is horrid. But look at what I did. Look at what I'm accomplishing. And look at how it's making me feel. (I did say previously that my version of exercise euphoria is cracked out - sometimes I giggle like a teenage girl - apparently this morning I felt the need to cry - random, but I dig it).
Since investing a lot of time and energy in personal counseling, I am careful to not choke down emotion anymore. When a feeling bubbles to the surface, it's important to recognize it, understand it, and let it have its moment - it's there for a reason, and it's like a gift from your subconscious to your conscious state with a card that reads "I'm here too". I have spent too many years fighting back tears (happy and sad) and walling up my feelings for fear of embarrassment or being singled out - and ironically enough, those years have brought me nothing but a fat exterior that both embarrasses me and singles me out on a daily basis. To think that all I ever had to do was FEEL to not eat instead of eating to try to feel something. I had it all backwards.
So I had a breakthrough on the bus. I'll take it. It means I'm healing. I'm getting better at this. I'm moving forward. And deep down there, somewhere in the sludge, the feeling bubbles are slowly coming to the surface.