Tuesday, August 03, 2010
I should not have weighed myself after the great day I had yesterday but I did. And gained 2.5 lbs. in like one day. So that put me in a bad mood.
Then I decided that instead of calling all these golf courses and asking for donations that I would go in person like I do when I contact retailers. Big mistake.
These country clubs and private courses intimidated me so much. I know nothing about golf and had to ask my boss what he meant when I should hit these places for foursomes to action off at our fundraiser. I drove into these incredibly luxorious courses in the richest parts of the neighborhood, had no idea where to go or who to speak to (no front desk? How do you even pay for a game or membership?) and everywhere I looked there where these signs that said "MEMBERS ONLY" The only human life I saw was old white men with gold watches and an occasional hispanic person cleaning.
I'm not stereotyping, this was my experience. I got so nervous and felt so out of place I turned around and left without speaking to anyone at either of the first two clubs and gave up after that.
And then I got mad that I should be made to feel intimadated. I felt like a little girl not allowed in they boys only club treehouse, but instead I was poor and not allowed in the rich person club. Unless I had a mop.
Andd then I was mad at my boss for sending me. he should know I wasn't the right person for the job if I had to ask what a foursome was.
And then I got mad driving to the admin building because roads were closed from flooding.
I turned around and went home.
I tried to do something positive about the weight I gained by going on my bike for an hour.
My post workout snack was an entire box of fruitsicles, three (albeit small) chocolate bars, and then dinerr was two hotdogs, half a bag of chips and an entire bowl of cherries because I was still mad over being intimidated by the rich country clubs.
And I haven't heard back from what was a promising job lead, it sounded like I might at least get an interview. But then, my own bank that i work at doesn't think I'm qualified to interview for a head teller position even with four years management experience and a business degree with a 4.0 GPA.
I thought not tracking calories would help me not to binge when these days happen but I guess not because my stomach hurts and that is the only reason I'm not still eating.
argh, so angery now. And why doesn't my boyfriend do ANYTHING to try and make me feel better? A little foot rub? A small bunch of flowers? Hell, even FOOD would be good. If he brought home a sundae from McD's it may be enabling but it would make me feel better to the point that that would be the ONLY thing I ate, I bet. Three hundred calories of love goes a lot farther than 1,500 calories of self pity/anger at the world.
i hate feeling helpless and lonely and that's what I feel now about everything.
I want to be happy, that's all I want. I had it yesterday with my nephew and now it's gone. sigh.