16 - My lucky number
Saturday, July 31, 2010
So with 16 more pounds to my goal as of today, I thought I'd celebrate! I happen to have been born on the 16th of a month, and it has always felt like my lucky number.
I have started working weekly (unpaid except in great conversation, spirit, and workout) in my local food bank garden. It feels so fabulous to be physically exhausted at the end of a dayand have my spirit nourished by touching the earth!
My soul feels like it is splitting in half in some ways. . . all this weight loss/fitness has created a monster. I never more than now wanted to drop my sedentary job and jump into something not at a desk. Yet, my only work expertise over the past 20 years involves a computer desk. How to break free? How to make all the non-work time as full of activity as possible if I can't break free?
I know my mental health requires I work with a team of people rather than in isolation from home as I have since the birth of my child years ago. To that end, I have applied for a few office jobs. What about the commute time costs to my health/budget/childcare? What will happen if I build on my experience and continue in the "desk job" path rather than break free like every fiber in my body and soul wants me to?
It's crazy. Even though outwardly I get comments I look the healthiest of my life, I've never cried as much as I have in the past month over all the change I want in my life and confusion on how to get there.
Ah, such is life.
I think we all want solace from our place in the universe. Most days I question if there is a place for me (there has to be or I wouldn't be in it!). The natural world's healing force and "still water" is our true birthright. Most of us have forgotten. An acquaintance reminded me of this fabulous poem recently:
THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief.
I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light.
For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.