Red faced with my tail between my legs...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Yes, I'm human. After such a successful weight loss with SP I fell off the wagon and after approx. a year and a half I am back. I had lost a whopping 130 lbs. going from 370 lbs. down to 240 lbs. YAY for me!!! Don't be too quick to cheer. Over the past year and a half I have managed to *groaning here* gain back 70 of the 130 I had lost. I'm not sure why I lost control or what triggered the continual demise but I THINK I am ready to continue on this journey. So today I start once again at 310 lbs. UGH, UGH, and DOUBLE UGH!!!

I was so emabarassed by this out of control..ness that I even removed the ticker from my Spark page. I certainly didn't want to discourage anyone but more importantly I didn't want anyone to see how out of control I was. It's embarassing to say the least. To think that food has such control over me.

To my Lord, I ask forgiveness.

To those I inspired in the past, my apologies.

To those who continue to support me, my heartfelt thanks.

Even though I've been lost for the past year and a half I want you all to know that I did log into SP every single day. I did the SP points, the polls, the trivia, read articles and blogs... I found a little joy in receiving a couple of SP awards every month for doing those things. It all helped me to feel like I was still connected.

It helps to write this all down; to be accountable to you all. I am going to repost my ticker today. I may even have to have a new pic taken. Not sure what I would call it. Man this takes so much courage but I think it is essential to my getting a healthy mind set once again.

If you are a believer, please pray for me. The Lord is my strenth in all things, including this thorn in my side. He is bigger then any bag of chips or any craving. Please Lord, have mercy.

Love you all.

And so my journey continues....

And now I sit here with tears in my eyes trying to muster the courage to hit the "Post Blog Entry" button... Confession is good for the soul. goes...

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Bonnie, I am so glad that you have come back! It is NEVER too late to begin again as long as you have another breath in your body! You sure have some great friends! Patti is the best, isn't she? emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2359 days ago
    It's been a while since your last blog but it spoke volumes to here's my comment.

    You almost didn't do it....but YOU HIT THAT POST BUTTON anyways. We are all so proud of you. I also started on this journey before and have returned to Spark. It's not easy to admit that you once again let it all slide and allowed the numbers to creep back up there but we haven't lost control or given up or we wouldn't be here.
    So let's shake ourselves off and get back at it....we know what worked before and we know how easy it is to let's not do that again lol.
    We are more than conquerers and We can do all things.....through Christ who strengthens us!!!
    Come back and blog some more...obviously people like to hear how you are doing and I would too.....we're here for you!

    emoticon And as I say....."LESSON LEARNED!!!"
    2606 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/30/2011 7:01:39 PM
    What I see here is someone who has the key to success! You lost 130 lbs! Even if you have regained some, you are still ahead of many of us! AND you KNOW what works for YOU. Good Job! emoticon
    2672 days ago
    Good luck! By pushing that post button you have already taken the first step! You can do this!
    2672 days ago
    It happens, you are no different to everyone else here. I read Coach Dean Andersons story and it reads just like yours before he got it right. You wont be the first, nor the last. Someone suggested you banish the guilts and move on. You are here and THATS whats important. Quitting is deadly, restarting is incredible.
    2672 days ago
    2672 days ago
    Ok, you know me, I have to add one more thing, always have to have the last word, "BANISH THE GUILT". It has no place in a happy healthy life. It is totally counter productive, and stressful!

    You never left, so I can't welcome you back,(that's good), so glad to see you!
    2787 days ago

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and giving me encouragement. I do believe that that is one of the ways to keep our own spark going.

    Please take pride in the fact, that even though you were not eating as you wanted, and some of your bad habits came back, you were still on the Spark network.

    This lifestyle change has to be made in our own time. You did not gain back everything you lost and then some, as I have done so much in the past. Congratulate yourself for keeping off the part you did NOT gain back.

    I found myself in a position about a year ago, or more, that some of my very bad habits came back. I gained by the first of the year, after the holidays about 31 pounds, I bagan eating well and exercising after the first of the year, and dropped the last 10 kind of fast, but the 21 took a bit longer to get off.

    I had much illness, and then a car accident and injury, but I did as you did, and keep logging on.

    The only difference, and I am going to suggest you try this in a difficult period in the future, is that I still logged my food and exercise. Even when it was terrible. By doing this, I think I was helping to let myself know that it was not a permanent situation, but a temporary setback which I would make right when I was able.

    Changing your lifestyle is very different than dieting. We still have some of that dieting mentality, at least I do, and suspect that you do too, where we are either on a diet or off.

    Well, things are different now. We can recall those habits much more easily the second time, 'cause they are already there. Give yourself the confidence to find them again!

    One day at a time, one habit at a time, and love yourself all of the time.

    God Bless

    PS, I have lost the weight that I have gained, been able to reestablish my exercise routine etc. Be patient and loving with yourself, help your small child within to feel loved and cherished, and she will help you. Mine is a real brat, so I know, I have really had to learn to handle her!
    2787 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/2/2010 10:51:37 AM
  • CATH5109
    Sometimes we need to try more than once before we succeed. Good luck. I know that you can do it.
    2788 days ago
    Bonnie - in my head I have re-written my response to you several times, lol - but everyone has said such wonderful words. I guess all I can say is I understand - having lost/gain/lost the same 20 pounds for over a year. And Sparking, joining challenges - I still am stuck in this place. So hugs and prayers to you - and know your Sparkfriends are here as you have been there for me so many times!


    2789 days ago
    Bonnie... you have been such an incredible friend and support I find it really hard to write. I smiled as I read the other posts. I know you can do this, I just want YOU to know it!!!

    There isn't anything easy about this, and you have told yourself anything and everything that I could. I really pray for that "spark" to return. I will repeat that I believe that this is your biggest struggle because it is also your biggest potential for VICTORY. you want to please God, be obedient to him and Give him all the Glory... did you really think the enemy was going to sit back and watch you???

    You are still in this girl. Tracking worked, blogging worked, I know it is about small steps and little changes, but you know how focused you need to be to feel some control.

    I also think you started to become uncomfortable with the attention you were receiving and had empathy with those you wished could experience what you were... you may need to work through those obstacles.

    Get a tall glass of water... sit down and write down your August Goals... I have to do that myself. I feel alittle lost in that area right now... but after GST (yes, GST ~ I left to the last day after all!) lol

    My 2 cents (I think I may be up to a dollar 22 by now), i know you have to do what works for you, but I was thinking, I didn't see the weighing once a month. I don't understand it being a deterent or a distraction... rather if you are on track it will more than likely be a boost. To me... once a month gives too long to feel you can "make up for", or "what's the point". Why not either know that you had a loss you can celebrate, or didn't lose and need to make an adjustment. We all have weeks where we don't lose. But a month is alot time to let pass if there is a problem. Just wondering the thinking behind that.

    I have to go, submit GST before the banks close!!! Bwah! And then starts August... lalala I am going to relax this weekend!!!

    Sorry to blog on your blog ~ I should have called you and I will, so much going on!!!!

    Enjoy your day friend!

    2790 days ago
    Dear Sunnie - You are already victorious. Satan would not have wanted you to admit your problem let alone post it! So there!Satan, get thee behind me!

    Remember that you are precious in God's sight and every little thing about you is important to Him. After all, HE numbered the hairs on your head right? It is through HIS power and strength that any of us are able to tackle these challenges.

    Your blog inspired me today, and I will be praying for you.

    I agree with Reallyhoppin - It's springtime for you! You are a beautiful flower in the garden of God. Bloom my friend!
    2791 days ago
    Welcome to Spring! I don't care what month of the year it is, to me, from reading your blog, I see you as being in Springtime.

    You've awakened from winter (the time you were off program)... and all the seeds and roots that were left from the season before can all start to grow now... you had a season of rest and now you are moving into a season of growth....

    how exciting!
    2791 days ago
    There is incredible strength in accepting our weaknesses. Just posting this blog is a huge step, and you should be very proud of yourself. Now, you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward knowing there are 60 pounds you DON'T have to lose again.
    2791 days ago
    Hi, Sunnie! Man, I shouldn't read blogs early in the morning--I'm too easily confused! The whole time I was reading about you being gone from SP for a year and a half, I kept thinking, "Didn't I see posts this summer?" I eventually, looked and, yep, you have posts written in May.

    So, I guess what you meant was that you've been off plan for a year and a half. I guess that feels like being gone.

    But, you know, it's not. As you said, you've been checking in, reading articles, spinning that wheel and writing an occasional post. You haven't been gone. You hung in there--maybe by your fingertips, but you didn't let go!

    That shows perseverance and determination. Can't sniff at that.

    And as others have said--and the first thing I thought as I read--you're STILL down 60 pounds! :D Can't sniff at that, either.

    You don't drown by falling in the water--you drown by staying there. You have gotten out of the water! I'm rooting for you!

    Better than that, I've already prayed for you. Jesus will get us to where we need to go, He will!


    If you read my last post, you'll see that I'm not perfect either. I think imperfection is going around.
    2791 days ago
    Hey, the way I look at it your still 60 pounds ahead! Just think if you hadn't been logging into SP everday, you may not have faced this moment until you were back where you were before. Or, like I know I've done more than once, come back when you are even heavier than when you started. So, remember you are starting out ahead of the game already.

    I pray for your continued success. You are precious in His sight !
    2791 days ago
    There is no shame in continuing to try. You show strength and commitment to health - and to life - in committing once again. You ARE worth it. now - set that shame aside and forgive yourself, because to do otherwise is to set yourself up to fail.

    And you are not a failure. WE are not failures. We are human and imperfect - but we learn and grow.

    Carol (raising a cup of coffee in your direction - and thanking you for inspiration!)
    2792 days ago
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