I Want to be Here

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I... Want... to... be... Here. Nuff Said
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    I love what you said about "passion in enjoyment." That is an important thing for me to hear this week. Thank you!

    2786 days ago
  • KIMS76
    I spent most of my life being controlled by others. I am the youngest of 7. All of my siblings are doing what they want and have the life they want to live. I, up until a few months ago, was living the life they wanted me to live and doing the things they wanted me to do. From my parents, to my siblings and some friends (which I have gotten rid of). They all had their 2 cent about what I should be doing. It dawned on me that I was a people pleaser. I never said no, I never faught back and I never voiced my opinion. Its like from the moment I was born until I took control I was living in the Twilight Zone. I knew I existed but, I didn't know who I was and I stopped caring. I didn't want the life I had and the things I did want, I didn't commit to them either. Either because I knew they would complain or I'd have to give it up because it didn't please them.

    When I was 18 I went to college and after my first quarter my parents made me leave because they didn't like my field of study. When I was 21 I went back. My sister made me leave because she needed help with her son. When I look back on the past it almost seems like a dream because I don't think I ever acted on anything on my own accord. I was a puppet and they pulled the strings. So, a few years ago I went back to college (with everyone in my family trying to force me into other things) and I got my A.A. degree. I had more friends at my graduation than family. My parents came (of course because there was photo opportunity) and ONE of my 4 sisters and 1 neice and 2 nephews (because their mom brought them), neither of my brothers came. When I decided to work on my B.A. there became a huge division in the family. I finally learned to say no and be present in my own life and make decisions right for me. I'm starting to get it. I'm on my way to where I want to be. I'm 33 and live at home (I've left 4 times and my mother guilts me into moving back. I told her I'm bailing in October she will have to deal with her own issues and let me go), I go to college full time and no one supports me except my mother. My father banned me from working out in the house, so a compromise is I can workout in my room ( I don't know how I manage it but I get it done in this small space!), one of my sisters doesn't speak to me (she told me I can go to hell because I started telling her no and being present and living in my own life, that really pissed her off and I couldn't beleive with the last argument we had, as I listened to her yell these horrible things, that shes jealous of me and I CAN'T understand why but thats her issue not mine), my other siblings don't call or come around (because they don't know how to react to the new me, or react to me being ME rather), and I let go a bunch of "friends" who were bleeding me dry of all my time. My time is my own now, my life is my own and I am now in control and PRESENT. I am finally self aware (again, like the other blog comment, hard to explain easier to feel).

    I have been trying to make myself sleep on a schedule. Thats one of my goals. I don't think I have had a decent nights rest, ever. I have always been a slave to others schedules and now that I have taken my life back I have been trying to allow myself the right to enjoy my own time and my own self, I suppose. But I got so use to doing things for others and making my time be theirs it was like I was lost for a bit. But, I'm getting there. I'm headed towards where I WANT TO BE, and the journey has been amazing.

    I figured, since you shared something personal and internal, its only right that I do too. I wish you luck and continued success on your journey. emoticon
    2787 days ago
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