Do I have WELCOME stamped on my forehead? That's one of the questions I've been asking myself recently. I may not have been here on Spark that much lately, but I am still working on myself. I feel as if I've been peeling back the layers of an onion and discovering new things about myself. I have also been trying to get into my head and find some answers to my WHY questions. Such as WHY do I repeat certain behaviors and WHY do I feel like a doormat? And the biggest one of them all - WHY did I decide that I was no longer worth the effort???
Sometimes when you dig deep, you might not like what you discover. Honesty is very important to me, as is getting to the root of my weight issue. When the truth hurts it must be acknowledged before you can move forward. I've had days of clarity in the last few weeks, but it's been a struggle to hold on to. Since my MIL's cancer diagnosis 3 months back, constant daily stress has taken hold of our lives and it feels consuming. The fact is that no matter how much my DH and I do for his mother - it's NEVER enough. Her demands, constant complaining, and total lack of appreciation have left us drained. And how have I handled the stress???..... By scarfing down those 100 calorie bags of popcorn! At first I thought that it wasn't a big deal, it's ONLY 100 calories. But it's not about the calories - it's about the behavior! I turned to food in an attempt to comfort myself. Not an easy thing to admit, but the truth. It also made me feel guilty, out of control, and weak! I am NOT a weak woman, and it's d@mn time I stopped acting like one!!!
Searching for answers is vital, otherwise I'll have a lifetime of repeating the same behaviors, and I do NOT want that. The recent situation with her health crisis has made me take a deeper look at myself. WHY did I put her needs before my own? WHY was her health more important that mine? Everything I was doing on my journey here to improve my health and my life went right out the window with her diagnosis. Because so much of my time was dedicated to her needs - my exercise plan bit the dust, as well as my food plan, and even my sleep. I even stopped writing in my journal because I just couldn't concentrate. WHY?.... Old patterns of being the 'caregiver' resurfaced. It's a trait that I learned as a teenager after my mom got sick. Unfortunately It's something I've carried with me for the last 33 plus years - putting everything before me! It's called being a DOORMAT, and it's a huge mistake!
In an attempt to work on myself I've been reading old journals as well as a couple of good books. This has helped me find some answers to my WHY questions. I know that until I get a handle on the inner issues, the outside package will never really change for good, and I'll keep repeating this lesson over and over again!
You CAN teach an old dog new tricks, and realizing it is the first step in changing it. And I DO want to change it. I don't want to be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and feel like a doormat any longer! Feeling like I'm trapped in an overweight body is a HUGE sigh that my life has been out of balance! I've always been the 'good girl' and the 'dependable one', but I haven't been good to myself. I put my own health at risk by trying to handle all of my MIL's demands - a BIG mistake! The last 3 months I've dealt with high blood pressure, migraine headaches, and chronic diarrhea. My body was screaming at me, but I wasn't really listening.
Well, I'm listening now! Maybe the stress of the last few months has been a gift. A rather crappy one, but a gift... of clarity. I AM worth the time and effort that it takes to be healthy, to have the balanced life I want, to not feel limited by my weight, and trapped in an overweight body! I've made mistakes for which 'I' am responsible. I'm the one that put my needs and health after someone else's. It's time for me to be the caregiver for myself, to kick my inner doormat to the curb, and put myself FIRST!