I wrote the following in my journal yesterday morning, figuring it out in my head as I typed. Because my feelings were so intense, I wanted to do more with it; perhaps post an edited-down version on some of my teams' threads. I decided to "Blog" it (it'll make more sense keeping the time frame in mind).
I've wanted to blog several times, many many times, about a whole assortment of topics, but I always changed my mind. I finally realized, if I post more Blogs, the ones I wrote about my son Scott will be bumped, and won't show up under "Recent Blogs" on my Sparkpage: I didn't want to erase him!
Those feelings are all wrapped up in what this blog is about... Well, here it is! I hope it translates well from my journal... and I hope if this applies to you as well, that my experience can be helpful to you too.
Take care, Elizabeth ~
July 25th - Oh my, I crashed and burned last night... I was reading and writing emails, and crashed and burned. I binged like I haven't binged in so long - AFTER a GOOD day physically and food-wise. It wasn't mindless either, which was worse; I knew what I was doing - AND LOSING - and made excuses all the way through.
Now, after trying not to throw up all night, I am working on being accountable to myself and others - AND to understand exactly why and how I went off the rails. I mean, I KNOW, but... I started to flounder, and tried posting on my LTTA team; but my feelings started to churn, and I got off Spark. THAT was my 1ST mistake.
To push the emotions away, I switched my planned snack of fresh fruit salad (peaches, banana, cantaloupe) to ice cream and peanut butter - my current "go-to" comfort food. HOWEVER, instead of dishing out my usual (1C&2T), I started eating from the containers; and then, just kept on eating. THAT was my 2ND mistake.
I'm all mixed up about stuff I thought I had already figured out.
A young man my daughter dated in high school, now 24 years old, died recently. There are few details - actually none - being revealed publicly about the what and how; however, the "buzz" says he was using different cleansers at his parents' home (they were gone on vacation), and the mixture created a toxic gas that killed him.
Whenever I think of it, I'm still surprised - How could it happen? Someone SO young killed in such a mind-bending way... I think of his parents and older sister, who I knew through DD Aubrey, and I say to myself, I can't imagine... I just can't imagine... and then I remember:
YES, I CAN - I JUST DON'T WANT TO.
Last night, this realization was too difficult for me to - I don't know - acknowledge? examine? contemplate? scrutinize? think about, deal with, work out... I'm struggling right now, trying to find the right words – ones “large enough” to match my feelings… BUT, I'm NOT headed into the kitchen to eat again. What else did I do "right"?
I stopped eating. I went to bed AND I fell asleep. I kept the Tums on my nightstand. I drank water whenever I woke up. I stayed in bed all night. I kept telling myself I’d be okay, just take a moment and - ??? Stop? When I woke up this morning, I had a good cry, and got on Spark to "talk" it out for myself… That takes me to now.
Am I going to say, “I still can’t deal with it?” That’s what I started to write, but I don’t WANT that! Let’s see…Last night, realizing “yes, I can imagine; I just don’t want to,” was too difficult because I’d have to REMEMBER, and then I’d have to FEEL “it” again… this grief over Scott seems just as heavy today as it ever was.
Well, I am going to put my should-have-been-last-night fruit salad together with sugar-free Jello and light Cool Whip, and get something solid in my stomach. Then I’m going to decide what to do with all of THIS – right now it’s in my journal. Then, I had – I HAVE – a busy, fun day planned, and I’m going to get to it!
I’ll always love you Scott ~ Forever, Mom ~