Sunday, July 25, 2010
We are back from camping. We had a nice time. The weather was very windy and chilly by the lake so we never got in swimming which I would have liked. I completely blew my diet and ate everything in sight. I have put on 4 pounds in 3 days. I am not too happy about that. I didn't get alot of sleep over the weekend so I am hoping to make up for it tonight.
I did some thinking and I am completely confused as to why we let people hurt us. I am nice to everyone. I might "release" my anger later when I am away from them but I am nice to everyone. I keep letting people treat me bad. I think alot of why people treat me poorly is because of how I look. Being so short, people so not take me seriously and being heavy people don't respect me. I am not an attractive woman and I know that about myself. Attractive people are treated better. Its not right but its true. So over and over all my life I have been taking abuse from people that I do not deserve. Why do I let it happen??? Is my self-esteem that low that I think I deserve it? My inlaws treat me very very badly. I go out of my way to do things for these people but nothing has ever changed. I gave up on them, finally. I still don't tell them off like they deserve or treat them like they treat me, but I don't listen to them and I don't visit with them unless it is necessary. I never invite them over anymore. The problem with the principal is another example. When all the trouble started he was very mean to me. I got upset and told him off. After that he treated me differently. Even when I apologized he was nice to me. Then two weeks ago he started being mean again. No matter how many times I go over everything I can not find a reason for his attack on me. Why do I let this pattern repeat itself over and over again? How do I stop it from happening again? I don't know the answers. When I go into a store, no one waits on me. It has always been that way. If I have someone with me then I get some attention. Its so wrong. For years I have told myself that if I was skinny people would be nicer to me, but why does the way I look matter? I try to be nice to everyone. I do nice things for people and am really careful with everything I say so that no one is offended.
I need to get back on track this week. I need lots of cardio, but the forecast is for HOT. I can't let that stop me though. I need to be super careful with my eating and not let this three days of gluttony turn into another 13 month binge. So if anyone of my dear Spark friends had any strength they aren't using I could use some.