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    BBIGGS65   9,393
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A Wind-up Toy...

Sunday, July 25, 2010

I can totally relate to those antidepressant commercials where it shows the woman sadly relating to the wind-up doll. Apparently her life is like that of the doll’s – She feels the great effort and burden of having to rewind the doll just to get through her day. I am totally getting her and her doll.

There is definitely a reality-based component to why I might feel this way. My medical set back 3 years ago, topped with hypothyroid could make anyone’s day a physical effort. Certainly depression is a component. It has become a vicious cycle of inactivity secondary to pain and fatigue, followed by weight gain and depression, leading only to more weight gain and depression.

Today is Day 11 for me on SP, and I started off with a bang – losing 6 lbs week 1, and 1 lb week 2. I think the substantial differential between the weeks can be attributed to comfort and stress eating. My wind-up doll has been very hard to turn this week and I am, rather than making the effort to wind her up, making the choice to stick her in a drawer and not look at her.

I keep making excuses: Yes, I have some real medical issues, but I also use daily life as my excuse. And yes, our family does have a lot on its plate at the moment – but just because life happens doesn’t mean I should be piling it on my own physical plate!

My son leaves Saturday for his deployment. My husband lost his job recently and it appears he will have to take a substantial pay cut to rejoin the workforce. We recently (prior to the job loss) exhausted all our savings to do significant repairs to our home (residing and new roof, mold remediation due to shoddy construction – don’t get me started!....) and an honor student son looking at colleges for fall of 2011 and we have no idea how we can pay for it.

So those are this week’s excuses, and yes – it surely is probably stressful, but my reaction to the stress is only a compound. I can’t be making and inhaling black bean salsa 10pm at night (enough to feed the whole fam) and saying yes to the cosmos when the hubbie offers. It’s self-sabotage. I can’t keep procrastinating on taking my meds, only to not take them for days – It’s self-sabotage. I can’t keep lamenting about my sewing room being in shambles (due to flooding) but not being able to bite the bullet to even spend 20 minutes to start picking it up. Because even if I only wind-up the doll once today – she moves forward just that little bit, more than she does in the drawer.

So for now I am just going to contract to wind my doll up one wind at a time – hopefully that will lead to another turn. And to take my meds…
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TIME2BLOOM4ME 7/25/2010 3:04PM

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