You know, I get on here from time to time to check my page, leave my hubby a comment (or check for one he has left me), or *spin the wheel* to collect sparkpoints for whatever reason, I am still not sure of. But it has become another slightly used social media site for me. It used to be a daily *must* site for me. I logged EVERYthing- my fitness minutes (of course I HAD those back then!), my food consumption, my journal entries, my many blogs I posted, etc., etc. It helped me. It doesn't help me now because I'm not motivated to do any of these things. I'll just be honest here... I haven't been motivated to do these things in quite awhile, not since before my pregnancy. I'm not sure why that is, but something has definitely changed within me and I'm lacking that fire, that passion that once was a driving force for me. I used to have a *never say die* mentality that I was quite proud of. Now, I seem to have more of a *lay down and die mentality*. :( In all honesty, I have been battlling a form of postpartum depression that seems to have gotten the better side of me. Don't get me wrong... I absolutely ADORE my baby girl and have no ill feelings about having her, having been pregnant, etc. Nothing even remotely resembling the things I have ever heard of regarding postpartum depression. That's why it took me so long to even recognize that that's what it was! It was only after speaking to friends, family members, and other random ladies (some here on Spark) that I was like- hey, that's what I'M going through! I have NO drive, whatsoever. I have MOMENTS of drive or motivation and that's it... MOMENTS. Then they're gone. :(
My sweet hubby has tried everything he can think of (and then some!) to help me, bless his heart. I know it must be hard for him to live with me sometimes. But I think he just keeps believing, as I do, that someday, somehow that *spark* will come back and ignite that passion within me again. And by *passion* I don't mean what people typically think of as *passion*. It isn't a sexual reference. That actually is NOT a problem. lol But passion as a driving force, something that compels you to keep going and tackle whatever obstacles come your way.
So today I just randomly and by happenchance, saw a blog by a spark member that inspired me. She has been where I've been (not now, but in the past) and it caused me to remember some of my prior accomplishments. I had already achieved these by the time I met my hubby, but he knows where I've been and how far I've come. It's not enough. I was about midway in my *health journey* when we met. It's almost hard to believe now that I was the one to inspire HIM on his health journey. ;) He has a wealth of fitness knowledge now and I'm very proud of him and his accomplishments. :) But I will be honest... I'm way less motivated by someone who has- say, 20 lbs to lose or is already small and just becomes tone and fit. I'm like- good for you, but I, personally, get nothing from that. The ones that inspire me are the ones who were excessively overweight (as I was) and lose CONSIDERABLE amounts of weight, can finally function as a *normal* person for the first time, etc. Here is what I wrote on this member's blog...
"What an AWESOME blog! Good for you! :)
Anyone that has ever truly been excessively overweight can attest to all of the above mentioned and then some! I DON'T remember when I lost my first 5, 10, 20 lbs., etc. I DO, however, remember when I could sit indian-style again for the first time, didn't have to have my daughter paint my toenails for me, put on my old *stand-by* formal dress just to have it fall to the floor in my complete astonishment. THESE were the *milestones* for me. When I was bending over one day and my daughter exclaimed- "Mom! Where did your BUTT go???!!!" lol
Thank you for bringing these memories back to me and helping to spark the motivation to keep going. :)"
This may very well be what I needed. Just a reminder of where I'VE been in the past. If you've ever looked at my pics, you'd know where that was.
Even though I have far to go, still- I have already come far from where I used to be, too.
Thanks for letting me *voice* my feelings here. Maybe it will help someone else like this lady's blog helped me. Or maybe not. Either way, it has helped me to get them out. :)