Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Part One: My feelings (a.k.a. confusion)
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm having a good trip to visit friends, but I feel like I'm not living MY life, I'm living theirs. Or HIS, more particularly. Which is intensely weird, to say the least.
My best friend and usual gym buddy (although we've stopped going because school's out and that's the only free gym available to us) loved a girl once. He still cares deeply about her, but she has always rejected his more tender feelings for her. I am also very good friends with her, and through a quirk of circumstance, I am staying in a house with the two of them. She recently admitted to him that one of the most compelling reasons for being friendly to him was her realization that he's a big part of MY life, and that if he comes with the Kat package, she's willing to be civil. It's all very complicated and it's been taking over my life from day one last December (when he first divulged the tale). How did I get in so deep?
How do I feel about this? How do I feel about him, really? And her?
Part Two: Eruption, or the story of how 'she' got herself a maybe boyfriend.
She's met a guy, someone who fell out of the sky and into her life who she might never have met without my arrival in New Jersey on the Fourth of July. And now my friend, my best friend, is distraught and can't show it or share it to anyone but me. She might be giving up her life in California for some time, or she might not ever come back at all. I have faith that she will get out of N.J. if anyone can, but she has very little tying her to the West Coast. Faced with the thought of never seeing again the woman he's loved for so long, the man who, besides my family, I hold dearest in all the world, is living in fear that he will lose her forever and never again feel the same depth of love that he had for her. Unreasonable, I know, but how many of us are reasonable when it comes to real love?
Part Three: Dishonesty, or, Everything is Fine
She's happy now. She'll be able to let go if she needs to in order to get out of Jersey and get on with her life. I think.
He'll love someone else sometime, right? I'm not sure I want it to be me (but is that honest?), but it's bound to happen that he'll be able to move on. Right?
I'm sighing over someone else's problems when I have compelling enough issues of my own to deal with. Once again, I am not living my own life.