Friday, July 16, 2010
Today I hit something of a milestone - I am down 80 lbs - 80% to goal. And, you know, I think just maybe I have also had a catharsis recently. I was telling my husband (for the hundreth time) something I often say in posts and emails to other sparkers "you know I'm no expert on the subject" and hubby says to me "but you actually are an expert now - being an expert doesn't mean you know everything on a subject - it means you have learned a great deal on it and are continuing to learn". That really struck me and got me thinking. I've been so focused on the NEXT pound. Stay dilegent, stay diligent, stay diligent has been my mantra. I haven't really allowed myself to celebrate my accomplishments lest it make me lose focus.
But, I thought, dang girl, losing 80 lbs is pretty good. You've attacked this thing, this albatross that has been hanging on your neck for 40 long years, on all levels - with the mental being perhaps the hardest of all (although they were all hard). And you've learned so much that I couldn't possibly have envisioned when I took the first shaky step of this journey. It's like you just have to start walking down the path and with each twist and turn new landscapes, obstacles and knowledge are revealed to you. Sometimes I have felt like a fraud because I have fallen so many times. I've been fat all my life - battled bulimia and binge eating. Forty years of disordered eating does not get wiped clean overnight - not by a long shot. I was 200 lbs in high school. The mental scars of merciless tauting were carved deep into my soul and my unhealthy lifestyle had firmly taken root. (btw I recently set up a facebook page and joined my old high school FB page - it was STUNNING to see that many, if not most, of the cheerleaders and others who seemingly took such joy in taunting me are now actually obese themselves - I was the ONLY fat girl in my high school 30 years ago and now I am probably one of the thinnest people from my graduating class - part of me was deeply satisfied that karma exists, but then, I wish obesity on no one, even those who carved such deep scars into my soul)
On this journey, I have often taken two steps forward only to be slammed back hard. I have cried so often, feeling defeated, frustrated, alone. The difference though, the difference now is I made a vow to keep going no matter what. It's been far from perfect. But now, just maybe, it is a time to celebrate what I have indeed accomplished. I'm not there yet - heck I know when I do get to goal some magic curtain won't be opening to make all the struggles go away. This is a lifelong committment but I am finally at a place where I *know* I'm up for it. Give me what you got baby, I can handle it. My new lifestyle, while I wasn't even looking, has crept into to my psyche and taken root. It is the most WONDERFUL feeling ever to be strong, healthy, sexy, confident and FREE. I feel all those things now. Yes, maybe the time has come to give myself permission to celebrate.