Thursday, July 15, 2010
So it's week two of the scale not moving so much. It's still going down, but definitely not as much as I want/expect it to given how hard I've been working, this week in particular. I refuse to believe that I've hit another plateau already. If that's the case, it looks as though this isn't going to be as easy breezy as I thought it would be and like I'm going to be plagued every 15 pounds by another hold up. Ugh! It's frustrating to say the least.
I haven't spoken to the "experts" yet this week, though I have appointments with both of my therapists this weekend. I'm particularly anxious to hear what my nutritionist has to say since the last time she gave me advice I dropped 10 pounds in a month. Oh wouldn't that be nice again? I've read all the reports that Spark creates over and over again. I've done the math - added up my burn, and given that a deficit of 3500 calories equals a pound it makes no sense that I only burned 2800-3000 on weeks that I lost 2.5 pounds and over 5000 this past week for .5 of a pound. The numbers aren't working in my favour.
Add to that the fact that I'm just having a FAT week. Despite my successes and goal achievements, despite how hard I've been exercising and how right I've been eating, despite fitting into smaller clothes - I'm not feeling skinny like I was when I had just lost 25 pounds. There have been a few instances this week where I would catch glimpses of myself in a mirror and not be happy with what I saw. I know everyone goes through stages like that, but I can remember just a couple weeks ago doing my morning stretching routine and running my hands over my tummy and feeling how much smaller it had gotten, and looking at my developing arm muscles from my hard work in the pool and loving that my shoulders were looking so firm and lean. But not this week - this week I have done nothing but focus on the negative - the flabby skin I have flapping around over the muscle, the ripples of cellulite that cling to my thighs and stomach. And the fact that no matter how hard I try, the scale just doesn't want to move.
This attitude is what I'm going to start calling "Resistance Training". I'm resisting the changes that are taking place in my life right now and what is resulting is a negative outlook on everything that I'm doing. Resistance Training is what puts me back over 300 pounds. Resistance Training is what happens when I get scared of where I am and what is to come, and when the road ahead looks too long and daunting and unachievable. It's the part of me that's terrified to lose weight because I don't know a different life than the one I have lived as an obese woman. It's what happens when I am approaching a HUGE milestone in this journey - the most weight I have ever lost on a "diet". It's not knowing what will happen when I get to that point, or what happens after that point. It's accepting, and I mean REALLY accepting that this time is NOT a diet and it IS a way of life that I am learning to love - but cannot expect to change overnight. Resistance Training is allowing jealousy and anger and cheating, and frustration to have a place in my daily routine, and allowing the emotions that accompany them to overshadow the positive feelings and feedback that I am now very capable of giving myself. Resistance Training is dreading the fact that I have lost enough weight now that I will need to decrease my calorie limit if I want to continue to lose, but the lower numbers make me feel deprived before I even try them out so I cheat and binge to make up the difference. It's fighting the system any way I know how - which is doing nothing productive for my weight loss, but is somehow doing something for my own need to assert myself. Lord help me - having an argument with oneself is the most convoluted and complicated issue in the human process. Why can't we just understand our own ability to see reason?
So I'm going to try some new approaches this week to see if I can get over myself and my fear and move forward.
- Weigh myself every day. This was actually a suggestion in a recent Spark article that I thought was interesting. Weighing myself once a week has made Wednesdays like Christmas - do I get a present or do I get a lump of coal? I need to take away the excitement/frustration from that one day a week and focus more on the ebbs and flows of a normal weight loss and hopefully a steady downward curve. Maybe that will loosen me up a bit with regards to my weekly numbers.
- Decreasing my calorie limit to the new recommendations. Unless my nutritionist tells me differently, I'm just going to bite the bullet and get used to seeing the lower numbers. I had a rational discussion with myself today over what I feel like I can cut out of my lunches and dinners, and I think all parts of me are in agreement and are now on board with the fact that losing an item or two from the lunch bag is not going to kill me.
- Have fun and stop obsessing. This is becoming very "diet-y" because I'm spending too much time thinking about the "weekly burn". I need to focus less on the numbers and get back to checking in with myself and how I'm feeling in terms of fullness, restfulness, stress, and relaxation.
-Take measurements. I get to do my measurements for the month tomorrow and I KNOW I'm down in that category - so I can celebrate a non-scale victory and my 3 month Sparkversary! I'm looking very forward to my anniversary reward of a beautiful bouquet of flowers that I'll get for myself tomorrow. They can remind me all week of the amazing job that I have done so far so that the road ahead seems less daunting.
Resistance Training in the gym is using the weight of your own body to build more muscle mass. So I'm going to adopt this approach and shed my negative resistance to my own growth. Perhaps if I can adapt and use the weight of all this negative emotion to my advantage, I know I will come out stronger, leaner and more fulfilled in the long run.