Wednesday, July 14, 2010
About twelve years ago I made a choice that was meant to be a better choice in a long string of not such good ones. Unfortunately it has turned out to be anything but.
I kept telling myself I could live with it. Unfortunately even a slow leak is going to lead to a flat tire eventually. Or in my case a loss of my very essence, a sincerely compromised self opinion, bouts of severe depression as well as nearly 50% added body weight.
The ball kept rolling until it hit that proverbial wall and I realized changes have to be made. While trying to piece myself back together, doing something about my weight is a crucial part to rebuilding. I know I’m supposed to care about my health but so far my focus has really been about my trying to like myself again. (You know I used to be hot? Both physically and attitudinally. I’m crying right now to think of all the ground I’ve lost and life I’ve wasted. But enough of that!!!)
Thank goodness for you guys. For longer than I have been with SP I have been trying to get this going with virtually no success. Even after starting here and following the guidelines for food I still haven’t lost much weight. I even went to my Dr. to have my internal systems checked out to see what up. You know what he said? Something like this “That’s the way it is. Some women’s metabolism changes drastically after childbirth and this is just your new reality. Maybe if you limited calories to 900 a day and spent about two hours every day in the gym you’d make some progress.”
I know this will sound ridiculous to all you positive, focused people here but that one conversation sent me to bed in tears for nearly a day. I mean I like the gym but TWO hours every single day? Plus, my creative outlet? Cooking. How creative can you get on 900 calories a day? Not to mention all the flavor experimentation I would miss.
So,… I had no choice. I had to decide he was wrong. I got up the next day and started back at it. It was either that or accept defeat and I had only just begun what I know will be a long, crucial journey. Status quo is NOT acceptable. Blind activity to keep me moving forward? Probably.
But you know what? A month later I still have lost very little weight but dang do my clothes fit better. It appears I may actually still have a ribcage!?! Plus working with SP I have noticed a number of you weigh about what I weigh yet you look WAY better than I do. So maybe even if that evil Dr is right to some degree I know I will eventually be able to look in the mirror and like what I see.
I work out more than SP advises because it’s easier for me to make myself do it if I think of it as a nearly daily responsibility. Plus it’s doing a lot more for me than all the weight I haven’t lost. First there’s the emotional strength I gain from challenging my body and winning. Don’t know if it’s the endorphins or the victory but I find a day with a good workout is almost always better than one without. I have yet to find myself depressed for even one minute on a day that included a workout. Heck after my last good hike I might even venture to say I felt “Spunky”.
That isn’t something I have been able to feel about myself in a very long time. Thank you SP and family!!!