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    MAGICLANTERN   6,248
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Just happy I'm actually doing it this time :)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Normally I'm only here to post what I've eaten, what I've drunk and what I've lost, but tonight I decided to post about how happy I'm feeling now that I'm FINALLY accomplishing the weightloss I've been wanting to accomplish for a long time.
There is still a little part of me that is wary, wondering if some other negative thing is going to happen to make me give up again --but I'm not letting it get to me, after all, just like so many other people, I too deserve good things and will not let the past stop me anymore !

So there's still 14.2lbs. clinging to my body but it won't be long before it is gone-o-la woohoo ! It's been slow, I could have been at my goal several weeks ago but so what, at least I'm still keeping on track and I've long since stopped being 'concerned' about having to lose the weight quickly. I finally understand that patience & perserverance are key, not worry, whining if I gain, whining about exercising, is that supposed to make you lose weight ? I simply told myself that time is going by so fast & if I don't do something NOW, then by the end of the following week I'll be feeling like crap yet again, feeling sorry for myself, staying at home again, hating my tight clothes, yadda yadda yadda. Now that's no fun is it ? Once I got back into my walking & cutting back on big plates of food, things began to change. Now I'm at the point where I no longer can eat an entire bag of Dorito's --oh it is possible but my body has a huge argument with me and I get punished by feeling like crap all night ( sweating, restlessness, just plain feeling gross ). It feels great to only be able to eat half of what I use to eat :) But my biggest thrill is being able to wear some of my old clothes again woohoo ! I even have a pair of multi-coloured plaid pants from the late 1980's, my most fav. piece of clothing ever from my New-Wave/punk days. My goal is to be able to wear them out again --and I can fit in them now, even do them up, but they're still a wee too snug. I think they look pretty good still ;)

Anywhoo, there's my happy rant. I plan to step it up a notch in the following weeks, only because I'm now getting a bit impatient with taking my time ha-ha :D We got a sweet cuddly boxer pup named Jujubes on May 15th., she's been taking up a lot of our time but I've been getting my exercise by doing lots of running around the garden, throwing balls, chasing her, etc...and I really want to get back into my walking and stair-stepping again.

For those of you who are afraid of that first step, who feel frustrated, etc...just ask yourself if you are happy where you are now. If not, then why are you afraid ? Imagine if you did nothing, what would you look and feel like next year ? Would you be feeling any happier ? Would you still be keeping to yourself, hiding away at home with your junk food & tv shows/computer games ? Would that sore leg/hip etc..or your diabetes/heart aches etc...still be there ? Is that what you want ? Do you really want to be able to go for long refreshing walks, along the ocean/lakeside/city ? Go to movies and be able to sit in the seat comfortably without pain/heavy breathing ? Walk up stairs without resorting to the elevator ? Then what are you afraid of ? What are you waiting for ? Start NOW and you WILL be there ! We all have the power to achieve what we want and to hell with those who think you don't. To hell with those who don't support you, who belittle you, poop on you, don't take you seriously. You are you, you are not your mother/father/sibling/friend are you and you have the power to achieve what you want :) So many people try to force one another to do their bidding, to become what they want. Forget about that, be yourself, stay true, stay strong.
I've had many years where I gave up on my true self because of caring for my aging mother. I loved her so but she could be needy and sometimes hurtful, I let it get to me and I gained weight. I felt trapped with her. It affected how I was with my husband and son, I always wanted to go away somewhere on my own, to get away from absolutely everything. Then she passed in 2008 and it took me 2 years to finally start becoming Tracy again. I walked away from 2 friendships because they reminded me of my mom, it felt awful but also quite freeing. I began getting rid of stuff in our house, things I thought had sentimental value but really didn't. There have been many times when I'd just suddenly cry, a real deep pain in the heart cry, as if I was releasing all the anger I had holed up inside of me. Often times, when no one was home, I'd have angry conversations with mom's spirit, telling her how I hated her for making me feel guilty so many times, etc..And you know, I think maybe she heard me, or perhaps 'felt' me, felt the deep pain and how much love I had for her, how much hope I carried for her, hope that she would be more joyful, more understanding of me...and then the tears would suddenly stop and I'd feel this deep calm..and then I would quietly appologise to mom --a n even quieter voice, more like a whisper, would say "it's okay sweetheart, I do understand and I know now. Things will be okay". Then I would continue on with what I was doing, feeling so good, so refreshed, so eager to take on the world !

Well that was a long rant lol ! Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read my blabbing and my 'getting it all out'. I could go on but I think you've got the idea of what I'm saying about weightloss. You CAN do it, it really doesn't take that long, especially when you know you can eat practicallly whatever you want, just not great gobs of it. And do let yourself have at least one 'free' day, the day where you don't count calories and let yourself have that treat. My day is Saturday and sometimes Sunday evening. Yes, I do go and buy a bag of candy, usually either Junior Mints, or caramels or chocolate rosebuds, and maybe a bag of chips. The junk is put into bowls so I can limit myself, it works out great this way because I usually have leftovers for Sunday night. I still drink my water on my free day, it's at the point where I often crave water now. Then from Monday to Friday I eat healthy and usually get some form of exercise everyday --but that is my choice to exercise everyday--and especially with a new puppy it is even more enjoyable.
**Just to let you know, I still eat some healthy stuff on the weekend because I don't want o shock my body with sudden intake of crap. My junk food is usually kept until the evening.

Now i really do have to pop off of here lol !

Take care all. Be yourself, envision your lighter self, keep away from the negative nellie's, keep going if you gain back a pound or two it's no big deal, you will get there, don't be in a hurry, slow and steady wins the race

Tracy emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MAGICLANTERN 2/4/2011 1:44PM

    Zackle, I've not been here for awhile, just noticed your post. My heart goes out to you and I'm wondering how you're doing today.
It's good you realised your anger and it really super sucks how we live our lives and then one day find out our body doesn't want to do what it's been doing for years. That's crossed my mind too, and thinking about the ' what if's ' when it comes to my husband and son. Again, the anxiety box is threatening to open. It's moments like this when I wish more time was spent on keeping the elderly or people with ailments more comfortable and able to continue living mostly like before. I've often thought how wonderful it would be to invent a hover chair so the room bound elderly, those that loved the outdoors, the forest/beach walks, could get back out there again --not just take a special bus & sit inside looking at the woods/beach from afar ! A hover chair would allow the aide to be able to gently push the person over sand, tree limbs, allow the chair bound person to really enjoy going for ' walks ' on trails, up mountain inclines, to glide up to the ocean's edge and even feel the spray on their feet/face. The chair could even be self propelled if the person wants some time alone without a constant aide by their side. Oh if only I had the technological brain. The intense desire is there but not the know-how.
Anyway, my heart goes out you. You will keep plowing on of course and I know exactly what it's like to drive home with red wet eyes & to wish you didn't feel that way and no matter how much you try there is that sense of sadness that won't take off. It will in time, there is no eraser to remove it immediately, just a ' patience eraser '. Listening to that spiritual side ( if you want to call it that ) can help too. When I mentioned about suddenly stopping crying and feeling a sense of calm, I've done it so many times that I'm thinking there are spirits helping me. A few weeks ago I had another angry conversation with my mom, blaming her for stopping me from getting a career, for making me a constant caregiver and giving up on so many hopes and dreams. Ooh I really screamed it out ( no one home again lol ! ) and, sure enough, when I was at my most intense and feeling on the edge of coming undone, the phone rang and it was my husband calling to say " hi " and that he loved me !!! Plus I received an email letting me know one of my art creations was in an Etsy treasury !!! Were they signs from spirits ? My parents spirits maybe ?? I've had way too many so-called spiritual incidents in my life that maybe I should finally accept them as real, stop questioning and start trusting. I mean, I asked my dad to let me know when he got 'to the other side' and shortly after I felt like jumping up and doing cartwheels, an intense feeling of joy I've never been able to experience since. In my mind I could see my dad as a child, running with other children in a lush field and there were dogs too. They were literally bursting with joy ! I wasn't with mom when she passed though I intensely hoped I would be --but I do believe she did 'stop by' on her way to the other side. I was at home, sleeping, when I awoke around 2 a.m. to a feeling that someone was looking in on me and I immediately thought of mom and then fell back to sleep. If I could describe it in a 3d way, like a spirit with wings, almost angel-like and moms face was morphed into a ghostly angel face which looked at me with such pure gentleness, for a few short seconds, and then she had to dash off to her destination. It's moments like that when I wish we could record them and play them back.
So my dear, keep strong, carry on...oh, when I would feel down I would do things to make me laugh --funny vids on Youtube, funny movies, nothing with sad moments. It helped.
Big hugs and hearts OOOOO emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ZACKLE 6/20/2010 10:15PM

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Congrats on getting so close to your goal. you are a wonderful inspiration. you may notice the sad and have drink face. let me explain.

I dont think anyone can truly understand the love and committment we have for our mothers until they get sick and are not the loving mother we adore. my mom has als otherwise known as Lou Gherigh's disease. She is truly the most loving and wonderful person you could every possibly meet. I adore being with her. she has a wonderful sence of humer but I can honestly say I have not spent the time i should with her. I know my time is limited with her but especially since I hurt my shoulder, won't even comment on how that could have happened,it takes 2 or 3 aids to take her to the bathroom. . but even though she says she knows i am busy with my own busy family( which for sure I am) I don't make the time to be with her because I cry the whole way home from the nursing hme after we visit. It took a lot of therapy to recognize my anger at her disease was a big emotional eating trigger for me. There is nothig I wouldn't do for her and nothing she wouldn't do for almost anyone but especially her children. It makes me terribly angry and depressed to think that the woman who could not wait to be a gramma to do wonderful things with her grandkids is now in an electric wheel chair and has difficulty talking and not choking never mind driving up to hampton beach or entertain in her ski house because she can't fit her chair in the biggest bathroom. This in turn brings guilt and feelings of shame because it certainly is not her fault she has this horrible disease.

talk about ranting, I just wanted you to know those feelings you have for your mom, don't let them sabotage you. now that she is at peace she will help you bring peace yourself, I think in heaven the love has a way of reaching us and just know anything that she may have said to hurt came from pain or fear. I would think she would be very proud of your accomplishments. dont let any negative feelings throw the magic switch in your head that keeps you on track. talk to her about them and she will forgive and love you right back.
again congrats and a big hug. Lynda

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MAGICLANTERN 6/20/2010 10:01PM

    Aww thanks, blush emoticon Makes me giggle because whenever I tell myself I'm going to post a short and sweet post, it never happens.

Wait another 6 months and I'll probably post an even longer one lol !

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JEFFSMAMAKAT 6/20/2010 9:32PM

  You are so funny and very inspiring! Thank you for a smile and some true motivation!

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KLS777 6/20/2010 7:04PM

    Great blog, congrats on the weightloss!

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IOWAGAL1957 6/20/2010 7:45AM


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SASSISPRING 6/20/2010 3:08AM

    Awesome for you!!! Great stuff!!

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