Sunday, June 13, 2010
First, I'm not happy about spending an hour typing all of my emotions out and because I used a cursed word (heck) to tell myself to wake the heck up, the spark system wiped out the entire post. That's not right, folks. Come on, just tell me to take it out but don't delete my entire post.
What I WAS SAYING....
I'm UNCOMFORTABLE. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like the way I look, at 207 pounds, but mostly I hate the way I feel. It hurts. It's not good to be carrying this extra weight around, and it's starting to affect my health. I desperately want to be motivated and to keep up a momentum so that I can become fit - i wouldn't even mind being addicted to physical fitness! Only I keep getting stuck in my head and not making ANY progress. I'm sure I'm feeling depressed, and my feet hurt ALL THE TIME NOW..... I'm mad that I let myself get this way and I'm crazy mad that I cannot stop eating ice cream at night! I have to be stronger than that.
these are some of the thoughts that I keep having that keep me on this merry go round and I WANT OFF!
1. see the doctor and get some diet pills.
2. if he won't help, research how to get them online.
3. i just need to hire a nutritionist and maybe a personal trainer, but i've let too many people down, i'll just let them down too.
4. i really need to join a gym. really? join a gym and waste the money because i won't go because of intimidation. BESIDES, I have two free gyms at my work. FREE!
5. so I'll just buy some clothes so I can be comfortable at the FREE gyms.
6. no, buy a dvd so I can do this in private. buy a zumba dvd. no, that won't work because i tried it on youtube and my bad ankle started hurting after jumping around.
7. if it weren't so hot and humid outside, i could walk. how long 'til Fall?
8. this is stressful, i can't think straight. i need to meditate.
9. meditation helped, but now i feel all alone.
this is just crazy, i'm only 44 and i feel like i've nothing to look forward to. i'm stuck and it's unhealthy. i want to move forward but i don't. i need to wake up and face reality and yet my gut flips just thinking about doing it.