The Never Ending Battle
Friday, June 11, 2010
Seven weeks ago, I started again. I blew it – big time! And I needed to.
For two years I have been working on this, rather diligently. Kicking my butt daily, continually counting calories and pushing myself to keep trudging on. It was hard work but somewhere along the way I forgot where I was going, and somehow lost my motivation.
I spent part of my winter in southern Ontario and during that time, I refused to consistently work out. I wanted to eat like I used to - and so I did. Foods were prepared in butter, fattening sauces were used, dinners were topped with high-calorie desserts. My wonderful boyfriend, who decided to pick up a part-time job in a coffee shop, would bring home high-sugar indulgences. I attended the annual maple syrup festival near Ipperwash – it was delicious – and I spent days afterwards sneaking maple-treats.
After a few months, I decided to return home for the summer (for better employment options). I knew that I had put on weight! My clothes were tighter, I could see rolls where rolls had not recently been. I tried to disguise the gain by wearing oversized sweaters – a trick that I had previously used back during the days of 300+pounds.
I saw my Mom when I returned. She looked at me with a bit of surprise…
“Don’t say it. I know…I will deal with it.”
Like a good Mother, she responded “Oh it’s barely noticeable.”
For the first week after my return, I avoided mirrors and continued to eat – though I did start to work out a bit more consistently.
I took about two more weeks to straighten myself up. I felt like a fraud – here I was preaching healthy living, trying to be a positive role model for the kids at the school, etc and I was failing miserably. I had quit weighing myself when I hit 185 (I was 170 when I left) – this very thing got me into trouble ten years ago! (Back in 1999 I quit weighing myself when I hit 214; my weight surged after that!) Now - I certainly didn’t hit 300 pounds again – but I know I did get up above 185.
I started to clean my eating habits up (again), pushing myself to work out (again), and seeking what it was that motivated me (again).
What’s the moral?
Maybe I needed to fall off the wagon. I needed to remember how hard it was to get to this point in the first place. I am not finished by a long shot, but I had to reacquaint myself with having to kick my own butt.
I also needed to remember how easily I put on weight, and how much I struggle with taking it off (and considering I’m not finished, you’d think that I wouldn’t have forgotten so easily!).
Even if I do hit my ultimate goal of 130 pounds, I know that I will continue to struggle with my weight. I know that there is a chance that I will end up putting weight back on. Ultimately I would like to think that after having worked this hard, that even if that dreaded event happens, I will have enough gumption to turn myself around again.
Oh – and the result of having to restart myself?
Over the course of seven weeks, I have started running further than ever before. I have started eating healthy because I actually feel better when I do. My clothes fit again. And last night a friend commented: “Wow you are looking good these days – I hope it’s because you are working on it, and not because you are sick.” (You know how men can be when it comes to awkward weight comments!)
I’ve also become more involved with SparkPeople – I spent the first two years trudging along alone. Spark is helping to keep me honest.
Oh yes, and the biggest result?
Reaffirming my goals.
November 2010 will be the 3 year mark. I thought I would drop all of my weight in one-year (I hadn’t realized how heavy I was). By November 2010, I want the final 45 knocked off. Gone. Never to be seen again (hopefully). I have come to terms with the fact that I will have cellulite, but I will not be obese again.
I turn 30 in July. I want to be down to the 165 pound mark.
And when all is said and done…I will travel again; It was hard to be an obese traveller; it prevented me from going to places like India, China, etc, because I took up a lot of space. It prevented me from climbing the volcanoes I wanted to climb (I wasn’t in the shape to do it). Truthfully it is a never ending battle.