So, I have definitely been struggling for quite some time. I hadn't logged into SparkPeople for months. A few days ago, I saw a post on my FB page from SparkPeople, and I thought, hmm, I should log on to the site. Then today, I saw one of my friends had posted something on FB thanking SP. Just yesterday I was telling my sister that I would like to do a page where I show weight loss progress, but I couldn't figure out where to do it at. Then finally today after seeing the post, it hit me that SparkPeople was the place. It is a place where I don't believe you are judged harshly. It is a good place to get motivation from others, and you can be a source of motivation for others as well. Although I have been struggling, I believe that I have found my way back home.

My Struggle:

I have been overweight pretty much my entire life. I kind of always wondered if something was wrong with me because I was always gaining large amounts of weight as a young girl. Then once I was 15, I began having some problems that really caused me concern. I just dealt with it the best that I could without telling my parents. Finally once I went to college, I told my mom, and I went to the doctor. They prescribed Birth control pills. They took care of the problem while I was taking them, but after not taking them, the problem came back with a vengeance. The doctor still didn't give me any type of diagnosis. After years of looking on the internet to find out what was wrong with me, I put a name to it. Once I started working and got health insurance, I went to the doctor and she told me what I suspected, PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

Between August 2008 and March 2009, I lost a little over 50 pounds by watching what I ate and working out. My doctor was surprised b/c she said that with PCOS, it is very difficult to lose weight, and then most of the time, it comes back on. At some point the weight stopped coming off, and I began regaining it. It was rather discouraging. I did one of the worst things I could have done, and I stopped working out and watching what I ate. Now I am back at square one.

I went to the doctor earlier this week, and she asked me if I had ever considered the lap band procedure. I told her that I had, but I wanted to try it on my own. She told me that I have to understand that it is going to be very difficult. She said that as a woman, it is already difficult to lose weight, and then on top of that I have PCOS. Mine causes my body to be insulin resistant. I will really have to do some serious modifications to my eating, which she explained would not be easy because my body craves carbs with PCOS. Then when I give in, I crave them even more. I pretty discouraged. She is very concerned because now my husband and I want to have a baby. The only way that will happen is if my insulin levels come down. I got all of this lab work done, and I was expecting the worst. When the results came back, everything was good but my insulin. The norm is b/t 1 and 10. Mine was 120. Now I am back on this medication. AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! I hate taking medicine, but it is supposed to help me. Now if I can get the eating and working out going in a positive direction, I know I will be good to go.

I don't think I had ever mentioned that I got married before this blog. That's probably because I hadn't been on here in a long time. I did get married April 10, 2010. My husband is very supportive of me in my weight loss efforts, but we seem to butt heads because I don't tell him exactly how I need him to support me, so he just does it in the best way that he can. It's not always in a way that I need. I will work on letting him know what I need. I am just grateful to have him there with me. I know that things will eventually get better, but it's been so hard because how do I tell the man that I love and that loves me that I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself for getting this way. I hate the way I look, and I hate to go out in public. Although I know it's not all about me, I always think that when I go out in public people are laughing and pointing at me. I guess a few bad experiences have helped me to think this way, but it's hard. Then I think, "Well, does he really need to know that I feel this way?" I can remember as a younger girl, my dad would say, "You'd be a nice looking girl if you lost some weight." He even asked me why I couldn't look like one of my friends who everyone thought was the most gorgeous person in the world. As a young lady, that is not something you want to hear, and especially not from your dad. With myself, I have always equated weight with beauty. I can look at other people who are overweight and see their beauty, but I just can't find mine. It's sad, and I am working on it. I know my blog is all over the place, but hey, it's mine.