Sunday, June 06, 2010
Okay it's June. Bikini season is here. And my goal of being one piece ready was not reached. In fact I've gone backwards (which somehow in my heart I figured I would). I have gained all but about 2-3 pounds of my prior weight back. I would say it happened without me realizing it but I can't. Because I KNEW what I was doing. It was a conscious lack of caring. I allowed it. Each day I thought "I'll do better tomorrow" and then I would be weak the next day until finally I became weak every day. Mind you I still make healthy choices but the bad ones far outweigh them. I'm back to drinking Pepsi (not even diet!) once a day, hardly any water, fast food two times a week, and not tracking my calories (not that I really did that anyway). I'm so disappointed in myself I can hardly see straight.
I allowed myself to make up excuses - too stressed, not enough time, I don't really care what I look like, I'll lose the weight in six months after all the changes stop. The reality is I know "later" will never be here if I can't do this now. When I'm the busiest and most stressed is when I NEED the energy and optimism the most to keep going. Because more often than not I'd rather just take a nap every day and I'm consistently tired.
Mind you, I'm not being overly harsh on myself. I realize that I've gone through a huge amount of changes in a very short period of time: moving cross country, getting a full time job again for the first time in almost two years, re-enrolling in online classes at a local community college in May and immediately taking a three week course. I also have several clients that I work for independently on my days off and in my spare time. And most importantly, there's my daughter who is the reason I'm doing all of this. I am busier than I've ever been and I love that! I thrive on the stress but at the same time it wears me out too. It's a necessary thing right now while I try to make ends meet and finish my AA degree in the fall. Hopefully after that I will start attending paralegal school full time in the spring and go part-time at work.
Now that things are settling into a more regular routine and I know what I'm faced with, I need to come up with a plan that works for me to be able to still lose weight and be healthy. I mean really, if I eat better the weight should fly off. I walk up and down 3 flights of stairs five days a week six times a day. That's 360 steps in a day - I know, I did the math. And I don't just walk them - I jog them. Usually by the time I get to the top of the stairs talking isn't much of an option cause I'm panting (although after a month that's getting easier).
I know part of my problem is my schedule. Here's a typical workday in my life.
Wake up: 7 a.m.
Get me and Libby ready, leave by 7:45 a.m.
At work and ready for calls by 8:15 a.m.
1st break 11:30-11:45 a.m
Lunch 1:30 PM - 2
2nd break 5:00 - 5:15
Work ends 6:45
Pick up Libby and head home for dinner
Eat dinner, do evening routine, Libby in bed by 8:30 p.m.
8:30 - 10 Do some virtual assisting orders (about 30 mins a night), study if necessary (homework normally done on days off or weekends)
Rest and relax til 10 p.m., then bed.
Now mind you, I have Tues, Wed, and Sunday off so four days of the week are a hectic rush but three days of the week are a little slower paced (or non-paced if I choose). Right now those days are filled with personal errands and such as I catch up from being unable to do any of that for over a month. Soon that will ease up and those days will be freer.
So how do I manage to fit exercise and healthy meals into the equation with a schedule like that and still stay satisfied during the day? Because of the lateness of the meals (I've eaten at 11:30 a.m. for lunch and 5-6 for dinner for years) I find myself constantly hungry even if I've eaten well. I'm not allowed to eat on the "floor" because it's a call center so small meals are tough and a 15 min break is really short. I've taken to trying to fit healthy snacks in my purse - Nut clusters and crackers so I can grab my purse, walk downstairs, and wolf them down.
Does anyone have any suggestions for managing meals with a schedule like that? Do you pack lunches for the whole week on a particular day so you can grab and go in the morning? What kinds of things do you pack? Frozen Smart Choice tv dinners are getting old and I find myself eating in the cafeteria more often than not. The meals aren't really bad but I have no way to know calorie count. Not to mention Pop tarts and a Pepsi for breakfast are definitely not a healthy breakfast!
Also, is it enough to work out on Tues and Wed mornings for an hour? Will that have any impact, especially if I am doing the stairs at work? Is that enough of a work out?
I guess the worst part is, now that I know I've let myself do this, how do I get motivated to start again? The last time I did this without asking for help. I enjoyed encouraging and cheering on others but because I was successful so quickly I didn't really reach out for help. Now though, I desperately need encouragement, (maybe even some sympathy), and a gentle kick in the pants to figure out what to do and make it happen. The excuses have to stop but so does the mental berating and guilt. It happened, I allowed it to happen (gee, guess I'm human huh?), but it's not the end of the world and it doesn't mean I won't ever lose the weight. Chalk it up to a lesson learned, right?
I appreciate any and all suggestions, thoughts, and prayers.
Stay healthy everyone!