The Return

Sunday, June 06, 2010

I failed almost immediately and have found it hard to return. I binge. I purge. I have little power to stop it. So, again, I start.

Today has gone quite well so far. I am eating, and a normal amount at that. I turned down a donut, but I'm drinking diet coke. I have had some sugar, but I have yet to overdo it. I am so tired of purging and if I make it through this day, it will be a miracle.

I just want to be healthy.

Dinner hasn't happened yet, and night is when I binge the most. Two scary things and I haven't spent any time planning for them. I need to run to clear my head and because I need to start training again. Out of shape and I've signed up for two races, a 5k the end of next month and a 7 miler in the middle of september. I need to run, need to run, need to move. My muscles have suffered from my eating/not eating/binging/purging cycles, I know it. I have more fat on my body than the last time I weighed 130 lbs. I would like to get the weight back down, but I don't want to lose muscle in the process. Bah, this is hard work.

It is a distraction, it is an obsession, it is too much thought and too much energy. If I wasn't this way, I might have been something, done something. I am sick and I am tired.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Interestingly the blog entry I read just before this one was from someone who used to battle bulimia. I haven't had to deal with such a disease, but perhaps a couple things to suggest... When you feel the need to binge, go for frozen grapes or other fruits - hopefully they won't make you feel guilty afterwards bringing on the need to purge, after all fruits are freebies! Another suggestion is taking a walk when you start to feel a binge coming on. Maybe getting you out of the house and moving (away from the fridge and cupboards, but not toward any fast food place!) will help relieve the desire by the time you return. Also, getting into counseling with someone who specializes in eating disorders could be a very good thing for you. Your counselor could help you figure out some ways to help you cope and fight back, helping you to find ways to get & stay healthy, physically and mentally. Stay strong - you CAN do it! YOU ARE IN CONTROL!
    Best wishes
    2723 days ago
    Thanks so much for the encouragement, Trixel. Somewhere I have a list I created with my therapist of things to keep me busy. Both knitting and walking are on my list, too. :)
    2724 days ago
    The fact that you're here trying to work this through means that you want to do it, and YOU CAN DO IT! :) Every day that goes by is another day you're developing healthy habits.

    When I was trying to quite smoking, I had to learn to distract myself when a craving hit. A friend of mine used to make balloon animals when he was trying to distract himself. I used to stuff a lollipop in my mouth (which I eventually learned to give up as well :P)

    I understand feeling compelled to do something. What's worked for me is trying to break the compulsion by throwing a distraction in the mix. Lately I've been walking or knitting.

    Hang in there. Just keep trying. It will get easier. *HUG*
    2724 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/6/2010 4:18:56 PM
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