Sunday, June 06, 2010
I failed almost immediately and have found it hard to return. I binge. I purge. I have little power to stop it. So, again, I start.
Today has gone quite well so far. I am eating, and a normal amount at that. I turned down a donut, but I'm drinking diet coke. I have had some sugar, but I have yet to overdo it. I am so tired of purging and if I make it through this day, it will be a miracle.
I just want to be healthy.
Dinner hasn't happened yet, and night is when I binge the most. Two scary things and I haven't spent any time planning for them. I need to run to clear my head and because I need to start training again. Out of shape and I've signed up for two races, a 5k the end of next month and a 7 miler in the middle of september. I need to run, need to run, need to move. My muscles have suffered from my eating/not eating/binging/purging cycles, I know it. I have more fat on my body than the last time I weighed 130 lbs. I would like to get the weight back down, but I don't want to lose muscle in the process. Bah, this is hard work.
It is a distraction, it is an obsession, it is too much thought and too much energy. If I wasn't this way, I might have been something, done something. I am sick and I am tired.