Friday, May 28, 2010
Maybe it was because I was hungry.
Maybe it was because I was tired.
Maybe it was because I started delving into some rough stuff with my therapist that I'm not quite sure how to process yet.
Maybe it was because I thought I deserved it.
Maybe it was because it was there and it was seemingly healthy.
Maybe it was because I hadn't had enough calories during the day.
Maybe it was because I burned a huge number of calories the night before and I needed an extra boost.
Maybe it was because of TOM.
Maybe it was because my body needed more fiber.
Maybe it was because I haven't really talked to my boyfriend all week, and he's moving to Germany at the end of the summer, and that date is creeping up on us so fast, and I don't want him to leave because I'm scared of being single again.
Maybe it was because I was in front of the television.
Maybe it was because I had planned for it and there was no talking myself out of it.
Maybe it was because my friend at work - the one who just hit goal - wore that awesome dress that I am so jealous of again and I wish I could be that skinny.
Maybe it was because I wasn't prepped for a proper dinner.
Maybe it was because the weather is changing and it was too hot to cook.
Maybe it was because laundry was piled up, and the kitchen is a mess and my couch looked too comfortable.
Maybe it was because the flamboyantly gay teenager on the bus who has so many issues of his own that I cannot help him with called me Miss Piggy very loudly to draw attention to himself because that's what HE needed.
Maybe it was because I really want some new sandals and summer clothes, but I'm too short on cash to buy them for myself right now.
Maybe it was because I'm nervous about my job and about having to find a new one soon.
Maybe it was because my show is ending this weekend and I'm going to have to start planning for a more active social life over the summer which I hate having to do.
Maybe it was because I needed a friend and I don't seem to have many.
Maybe it was because I'm worried about my cat who seems to be licking all of his hair off his entire body.
Maybe it was because it tasted SO GOOD.
Maybe it was the wine.
Whatever the reason, I binged last night. For the first time in a while. And now that I write all of this out, I realize I had damn good reasons to binge, and it's truly amazing that I don't do it more often any more. I haven't felt the need to. But very obviously, the tendency isn't gone yet. I did some damage to a bowl of homemade guacamole (not totally evil since I made it so I know what was in it), half a bag of tortilla chips and a glass of wine. But I stopped. After 1436 calories, I stopped. I was full. I could have had another glass of wine, but I didn't need to - by that time, my head had cleared and I was able, once again, to reason with myself. I went to the fridge and got myself a glass of water, and then another, and then put away the chips and the guacamole and the wine.
The psychology of a binge is a really interesting thing. For me, it starts really early in the day before I even recognize it. Then I spend some time during the day thinking about it and starting to crave certain things (I have very specific binges and they can involve just about ANY kind of food, so nothing is really safe in my house. Something that I've never had a problem with in the past can turn into a binge food really easily with me). By the time I'm on my way home, it's a fully-fledged plan, I've made up my mind that I'm doing it, and I've lost the ability to reason with myself before I even step foot in the kitchen. Most often I will have stopped off at a store to pick up something (or two or three things) on the way - everything I buy is subject to "binge haze" so usually I will end up with things that I would never typically buy. I can't think straight or even hear myself talking until the binge is over. You take the right combination of triggers and a lack of something specific planned for dinner and WHAM, it happens.
All in all - I didn't fare too horribly. I was 500 calories over for the day, way high on my sodium, fiber and carbs - but within range for everything else. Since it was the day after my weigh-in, chances are it won't affect the next one since I have lots of exercise planned over the next week. I woke up feeling like I knew I would - dehydrated, tired and bloated. So I've already consumed 8 glasses of water today and will likely get in a few more to replenish what I lost and to flush out all the salt. I'm not sad, or depressed, or even feeling all that guilty about it - I'm just moving on.
Binges are bound to happen in this journey. I am a recovering food addict. It's an addiction that unlike others you can't go 'cold turkey' with. As things surface in my therapy, so do the reasons why I eat and why I need food so desperately. The feelings that come with learning about these issues are not often emotions that we want to deal with - so we cover them with food. When you're learning how to 'break up' with food, it can be a tough road - and sometimes you just need a good, long, make-out session with an ex-lover (why is ice cream so damn sexy?).
But the binge has taught me what it needed to this time. Now I can move forward with my newly gained knowledge and continue to live my normal, healthy, active life. Binges will surely happen again in the future, but it's how I'm dealing with them now that is different. Drinking my water, planning my activity and learning that food should always be enjoyed, but should never be a bandage for hurt feelings, or deep, down emotions that should have been felt a long time ago.