To the Twilight-Zone and back, sort of

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Sometimes it seems easier than it really is to find out the reasons behind our actions… or lack-of-them. We know something is not right, but don’t want to really acknowledge what it is. We focus on the small things, the ones that seem more “apparent”, but just because they are easy to blame, and won’t hurt as bad.

I had been so focused, so enthusiastic, and then, for what seem like no apparent reason, I began to find excuses, to feel tired or like I was getting something. Just not OK, not like myself. First I thought it was because the darn scale had not moved a bit, but I knew I was not eating as well as I should have. So that was not the reason, but a consequence.

I thought I had already gone through all the sadness of my divorce, but a devastating split like that hurts us in so many ways. I even wrote my last blog trying to understand; sort of like a way to give me direction, a point to focus again, but not even that was helping too much.

I had to see my ex-husband like a month ago, and the encounter left me so off-balance, that it has taken me weeks to recuperate or to acknowledge how hard it hit me. How come my well-being is in somebody else’s hands? How can a strong person, who understands “rationally” what happened and would not go back to what it was, feel so incredibly fragile and hopeless? So much so, that I didn’t even feel that I was worthy of looking good, or eating well. And it’s a sneaky feeling: overwhelming, but dark as a shadow.

Divorce sucks. It makes you question every single thing your life was based upon. It makes you wonder who you are: your past, your future. It makes you doubt yourself in your core. I could never go back to where I was, but we tend to sugar-coat everything, especially when the reasons behind it and the way the other person acts –or doesn’t- are not your typical black-and-white ones. However huge they are, the gray is so dark and vast, it swallows you, and it taints everything that surrounds you, everything that is good and luminous. One day you’re ok, and then, the next…

But I cannot stay here, I have to keep going. I deserve it. I’m all I have, and however small and overwhelmed I may feel, I have to find my spark again. And it’s even harder when you’re the Mom, the one who knows…, the strong friend, the positive pal, the funny one, the fun-to-be-around one. You’re the head of your business: people look up to you, they “know” you’ll be alright. But then, sometimes is so hard.

I decided to set up goals, small steps to follow, so I can keep walking in the right direction.

• I’m going to work out 5 days a week at least. No matter how I feel, I’ll push myself to get dressed and go to the gym. Even if I have to stay there and look like a moron not doing anything or not feeling strong enough, I WILL get there. It is 2 doors down my room, for god sakes!

• I will do so every morning, because when I tell myself I’ll do it later, *later* never comes.

• I’ll post in my status, everyday, that I’m done working out, and what I did.

• I will go back to entering the food I eat in the nutrition tracker.

• My goal will be to loose 5 pounds per month. I know I can do it. But if something happens and Ms. Perfection cannot accomplish it, I won’t beat myself for it.

• I’ll take time for myself to do the things I like to do. I adore my work, but I have to draw the line to where does work end, and my life begins.

• I’ll go back to reading like the world is going to end and there are so many great books to read!

• I will go out with my friends and my kids. I won’t make cheap excuses not to go. I have to thank God for my two kids, and my many amazing friends, and how they love to be with me, even when I don’t think I’m such good company…

• I’ll keep on taking photographs. Nope: I’ll learn how to do it, so I don’t have to ask for forgiveness every time I take my camera out, and I take the pictures in AUTO…. Ouch! emoticon

• I’ll blog every day, even if I might not think I have anything important to say.

• I will write again, and find myself in my words.

I won’t try to move faster than I can, though. When something so big has happened, when one is devastated by the sadness of it all, it doesn’t mean one is weak. It means I loved with all my heart, I tried with all my powers, and I cared.

Every bit of support and cheers from you guys, will be more than welcome. Every time I read you accomplishments, I’m inspired by the strength and will of each one. I’ll strive to be a source of inspiration for some other’s who’ll follow.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SUGIRL06
    You can do it!
    2800 days ago
    Your blogs are such works of art.

    My heart reaches out to where you are right now, there's so much I would love to say with you.

    Let the actions of those who truly love you and treat you as you DESERVE to be treated be the true mirror to who you are while you rebuild from your inside -- see and hear them, pause, breathe it in, close your eyes, feel it tingle through all of you and BELIEVE it!

    You have a wonderful plan in place for forward focus. I look forward to having a seat to see it unfold!

    emoticon emoticon
    Biggest Bear Hug to you, my friend

    2800 days ago
    I am inspired by all that you wrote, about how it's easy to take the most valid of reasons for styming our progress forward and then creating your goals and the resolve to imporve every aspect of your life.

    You are a true treasure. Never forget that no matter what happens to you.


    2800 days ago
    There have been many times that I did not feel/want to blog, and some that I actually didn't blog. But, I have found that for me it really does help, especially when I did feel I had anything to talk about. Turns out I really did.

    You are on a journey not only to lose the weight, but one of self discovery. I believe that we all are.

    Remember that we are here for you as you are for us. I know that I cherish and embrace all of the support that my Spark Friends give me.

    You are one of my dear Spark Friends!

    2800 days ago
    You already inspire others (me) ... you just don't know it.

    Your story sounded so much like mine, except you had a divorce and I had cancer.

    I questioned every aspect of my life while I was undergoing treatment because I saw how much was wasted or how I was doing things that had meaning long ago but not now and I wanted an authentic life ... a life with meaning. I wasn't really happy before ... I had short spurts of happiness but it was not lasting. I struggled with this much more than I struggled with my treatment and it paid off. I got to the other side. It was hard work.

    I see you as doing the same work right now. Take your time to think, evaluate, contemplate. Build your new life based on informed choices. You have a new opportunity to build a life exactly as you want ... truly, what a gift.

    I look forward to hearing of your progress!

    2800 days ago
    After being married for 28 years, I divorced. Like you, I would not have gone back...but where to go was a problem. The pain was indescribable. And it came and went, again and again. I had to find me in a new way. The need to be strong sometimes was too much. Sometimes anything was too much. My best advice, is to pay attention to your body and how you are feeling. Perhaps just a journal for that. Just so you can write, I am sad. Be patient with yourself. Divorce is a major death. And death is one of the greatest stresses we can endure. With divorce, everything must change. Most of the time we have a hissy-fit if we are dealing with one little itty-bitty change! Divorce changes everything...how you cook, what you eat, maybe where you live, your children, your friends, your financial situation...the list is long.
    I understand your pain and am truly sorry for your loss. This is a growth period in your life; growing requires pain. Love yourself like you do your children. Be there for yourself. emoticon
    2800 days ago
    Sounds a wonderful list...remember 'baby steps'
    Hope you're soon feeling better and coming to terms with things emoticon emoticon
    2800 days ago
    Oh Hava... I knew there was a reason our paths have crossed. I went through a divorce a little over a year ago...and I've lived the heartache, fear and hopelessness that you just described.
    I was completely broken...and mad at myself for not being "stronger" through it all. I couldn't be my old self that was easy-going and fun to be around. But it dawned on me... I hadn't been my true self in years... and the divorce and hopelessness that I felt afterwards was necessary. It took awhile...and many, many nights sitting at rock bottom looking for a way to get back. Eventually I started to breathe again and could see little glimpses of my "self" again.
    It gets easier. I promise. You have a wonderful list of goals. Throw yourself into those. And above all else.... be kind to yourself. That was the toughest thing I had to learn. It took me years to beat myself down...and it's gonna take awhile to build myself back up. But it's possible and there is HOPE. : )

    I admire you so much and am positive that you will succeed in everything you set out to do. You already are an inspiration to us and I hope you know that you can always turn to me for support and encouragement.

    Suz : )
    2800 days ago
    Been there done that. You too, will make it. I know that your friends on Spark will help in any way they can. Use us. Your goals are very good ones. I think they will see you through.
    2800 days ago
    Just found your blog....great list of goals, great perspective.
    2800 days ago
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