Sometimes it seems easier than it really is to find out the reasons behind our actions… or lack-of-them. We know something is not right, but don’t want to really acknowledge what it is. We focus on the small things, the ones that seem more “apparent”, but just because they are easy to blame, and won’t hurt as bad.
I had been so focused, so enthusiastic, and then, for what seem like no apparent reason, I began to find excuses, to feel tired or like I was getting something. Just not OK, not like myself. First I thought it was because the darn scale had not moved a bit, but I knew I was not eating as well as I should have. So that was not the reason, but a consequence.
I thought I had already gone through all the sadness of my divorce, but a devastating split like that hurts us in so many ways. I even wrote my last blog trying to understand; sort of like a way to give me direction, a point to focus again, but not even that was helping too much.
I had to see my ex-husband like a month ago, and the encounter left me so off-balance, that it has taken me weeks to recuperate or to acknowledge how hard it hit me. How come my well-being is in somebody else’s hands? How can a strong person, who understands “rationally” what happened and would not go back to what it was, feel so incredibly fragile and hopeless? So much so, that I didn’t even feel that I was worthy of looking good, or eating well. And it’s a sneaky feeling: overwhelming, but dark as a shadow.
Divorce sucks. It makes you question every single thing your life was based upon. It makes you wonder who you are: your past, your future. It makes you doubt yourself in your core. I could never go back to where I was, but we tend to sugar-coat everything, especially when the reasons behind it and the way the other person acts –or doesn’t- are not your typical black-and-white ones. However huge they are, the gray is so dark and vast, it swallows you, and it taints everything that surrounds you, everything that is good and luminous. One day you’re ok, and then, the next…
But I cannot stay here, I have to keep going. I deserve it. I’m all I have, and however small and overwhelmed I may feel, I have to find my spark again. And it’s even harder when you’re the Mom, the one who knows…, the strong friend, the positive pal, the funny one, the fun-to-be-around one. You’re the head of your business: people look up to you, they “know” you’ll be alright. But then, sometimes is so hard.
I decided to set up goals, small steps to follow, so I can keep walking in the right direction.
• I’m going to work out 5 days a week at least. No matter how I feel, I’ll push myself to get dressed and go to the gym. Even if I have to stay there and look like a moron not doing anything or not feeling strong enough, I WILL get there. It is 2 doors down my room, for god sakes!
• I will do so every morning, because when I tell myself I’ll do it later, *later* never comes.
• I’ll post in my status, everyday, that I’m done working out, and what I did.
• I will go back to entering the food I eat in the nutrition tracker.
• My goal will be to loose 5 pounds per month. I know I can do it. But if something happens and Ms. Perfection cannot accomplish it, I won’t beat myself for it.
• I’ll take time for myself to do the things I like to do. I adore my work, but I have to draw the line to where does work end, and my life begins.
• I’ll go back to reading like the world is going to end and there are so many great books to read!
• I will go out with my friends and my kids. I won’t make cheap excuses not to go. I have to thank God for my two kids, and my many amazing friends, and how they love to be with me, even when I don’t think I’m such good company…
• I’ll keep on taking photographs. Nope: I’ll learn how to do it, so I don’t have to ask for forgiveness every time I take my camera out, and I take the pictures in AUTO…. Ouch!
• I’ll blog every day, even if I might not think I have anything important to say.
• I will write again, and find myself in my words.
I won’t try to move faster than I can, though. When something so big has happened, when one is devastated by the sadness of it all, it doesn’t mean one is weak. It means I loved with all my heart, I tried with all my powers, and I cared.
Every bit of support and cheers from you guys, will be more than welcome. Every time I read you accomplishments, I’m inspired by the strength and will of each one. I’ll strive to be a source of inspiration for some other’s who’ll follow.