Ramblings on freedom and normalcy
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Two blogs in one day and I didn't even think I'd manage one. Shows that once I start, you can't shut me up. Had an interesting feeling this morning. Dropped my daughter at middle school on my way to work so had a different route than usual. Found myself following the same path to McDonald's that I used to take every morning. Let me digress here and tell you that I was such a regular at McD's for breakfast that the morning drive through clerk gave me a set of handmade jewelry for my birthday one year. This is a woman that I'd never met before seeing her in the drive through window!!! Anyway, as I was driving this morning the wiring in my brain for just a millisecond had me making the right turn to McD's. Of course, I immediately revamped that idea because I really didn't want to head there - it was just an ingrained motion. A little further thinking had me realizing that I didn't even have an inkling of desire to go to McD's. I had a yummy breakfast of oatmeal, fruit, and yogurt waiting for me at the office and (wonder of wonders) I didn't even want to consider swinging through for a coke (another addiction from the past).
I realized that I felt FREE. I know that in the past I've felt trapped, actually physically trapped, by the need to go McD's, either for breakfast or a soda. I was always hitting a drive through somewhere. Now, I still have the oral fixation when I'm in the car but I feed it through water and gum, and they work just fine. I even prefer them to soda now. This time I actually preferred to go no where near the place. So happy and relieved to not HAVE to do it.
So this freedom. ..Is this what an alcoholic feels when they've conquered the twelve steps and are feeling strong? Do I need to guard against relapse like any other addict? I wonder. Having never been able eat healthy nor have a healthy attitude toward exercise for an extended period (or actually, maybe never at all), I'm not sure how it will work.
This is actually probably the first time I've had a 'normal' perspective on food and exercise. I've been thin and I've been fit other times in my life but I've never felt 'normal'. Or maybe serene is the word. I'm not in any way feeling deprived of any food. I don't feel hungry. I actually like exercise. I'm not obsessing (most of the time) about not doing "enough" exercise "better". Can it be that after 40 years, I actually have a healthy relationship with food and fitness? Wow. I need to ponder this one...