Thursday, May 20, 2010
To the best of my recollection, I've had a pretty good life. If I was in trouble as a child, my Dad said it was because I "didn't think." Pretty accurate.
He also said i was "too damn independent" and didn't want to listen to anyone else. Pretty accurate.
I started to get fat when I lost that independence. Combine that with "not thinking" and pounds pile on pretty quickly.
I married a great man 9 years ago and had a daughter 6 years ago. Prior to that, I lived independently, making my own decisions, eating, travelling, exercising, sleeping, doing pretty much what I wanted, when I wanted, when I could afford it and it didn't affect my job. I had a great job for a good company and was proud of what I accomplished over the 25 years I was in the hospitality industry.
I got married, had a daughter, managed a hotel and a house and a family and an extended family and could no longer eat, travel, exercise, sleep or do anything I wanted when I wanted to. I was being pulled in too many directions and wasn't good at anything. I wasn't the perfect wife or a good mother or the successful manager anymore. Something had to give, so I quit my job.
My husband is extremely successful in international business and travels a great deal for his job. Quitting my job would give me the ability to focus on what was important - family, self, life.
It took me two years to let go of the 24 hour stress level that had consumed and motivated me for 25 years. I walked in circles finding projects to finish and never focused on what was important - controlling my life again. I'm still not there. I don't plan meals, I eat on the run, I don't schedule exercise.
I still have many things controlling my schedule. A husband who still travels extensively, a six-year old who needs me to do things for her CONSTANTLY. A house that needs to be cleaned, an extended family that needs to be kept together, a school that needs volunteers, a lawn that needs maintenance.
I still haven't accepted the opportunity that I have to be in control. My husband doesn't expect me to volunteer 25 hours a week, I'm not restricted from hiring baby sitters - I'm encouraged to do it. I have the ability to focus on me and my health, which will only help my family.
When I turn 60, my daughter will be 17. I want to be here for her graduation, her wedding, maybe the birth of her first child. I have relatives that lived until their late 80s, I have an aunt who just turned 96. I have the ability, I just need to take control. I need to put myself back at the top of the list and give up my spot on the bottom.
No one puts food in my mouth but me. No one forces me to do anything. No one ever has.
I am too damn independent to be the victim any more. No more excuses.
I AM IN CONTROL.