The Reluctant Spark
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I'm very reluctant to do this. I have tried it before, but with out much conviction.
I'm 53 and have been through it all before. I feel I'm doomed to be fat forever.
I wonder if it is even necessary to loose weight. I know it would
be healthier, I would look better, be able to buy jeans or anything off the
rack. I wouldn't have to hide from mirrors or camera's. I'm also single, and it would
improve my chances of meeting "the one"..do I even want to do that? When "the one"
comes along, I should be ready. Then again aren't there plenty of fat women who have
men who love them no matter their size? Shouldn't a man love me at any size?
One of my problems is that I can't love my self the way I look now, so how could I accept
a man loving my body the way it is? I don't look anything like the girls in movies and tv,
or what a women is supposed to look like. I just see a big blob...who wants a blob?
My problem is an overall reluctance to live life really. The fat is not only genetic, but it is also symptom of overall lack of discipline that spills into all aspects of my life. I'm a horrible time manager. I look at things and don't deal with them until it's absolutely necessary.
I'm the queen of procrastination. I have too much clutter in my life. My house is not
like those seen on hoarders...but I do have too much crap. I always say I'll take care of this
or that when I'm on vacation...but vacations come and I don't do it. I'll find any reason not to
do something. Is it laziness or just a lack of desire? I think I have desire but no motivation to
back it up. So...by joining this and blogging I hope to find motivation. Today I walked for 45 min.
I live in Tahoe, so just step out the door and there is beauty. I went to a beautiful river today.
It's a first step. It's hard to walk here in the winter...there is snow and ice for months on end, but now I have no excuse. I'll see what I can accomplish tomorrow...I hope more than today.
If this seems like a downer blog...well..it's how I feel. I'm being honest as best I can.