Saturday, May 15, 2010
Well, Daniel's coming home tonight and I'm so relieved! These past few days have been a bit of a challenge...I do not like being by myself!! I went to a meeting yesterday afternoon and while I was reading the promises at the end of the meeting the weirdest thing happened...while I was reading I didn't feel like I was a part of my body! I felt dis-associated from myself and today I've been feeling a touch of anxiety. I think maybe being out in the sun today took it's toll on me. I took a long, cold shower and am feeling much better. I'm realizing as I move forward in both my lifestyle change and my recovery, that I need to reach out to others when I'm feeling strange. The problem is that it's still so incredibly awkward talking to people on the phone. The "phone" actually creates in me an anxiety all it's own! God, I just so badly want to be "normal!" I'm tired of my insecurities, and of the fear of never feeling like I'll fit in anywhere. I've realized that that's probably the reason I drank and used drugs in the first place...they took these feelings away. ( well, alcohol did anyway ) I know that it's going to take me many, many years to overcome a lot of what damage I did to my body, brain and life...but sometime's I get scared that this panic and anxiety that I get will "never" go away! I think maybe I really permanently tweaked my brain to the point that I'm just gonna have to find a way to live like this. It's been almost 2 yrs sober, and from what I learned in rehab, at 2 yrs your brain is as healed as it's gonna get. I have heard testimonies to the contrary in the meetings so I will still hold out some hope that, in time, this will get better for me. Okay, I feel better getting that out!