Sunday, May 09, 2010
Today is one of the worse "holidays" for me. Today is Mother's Day. Why is this such a hard day for me? I am not, nor never have been, close to either of my mother's.
Yes, I've had (got) two mother's. I was raised a foster child, and *adopted at age 30 (no that is NOT a typo), *at my request, and yet i don't speak to either of them. Haven't seen nor heard from them in years. My birth mother thinks of me as DEAD! My adopted mom and i don't speak nor do i care to. Long story there!
The pain is horrible of not having a mother. I long so badly for a mom. I have even thought of putting an ad in the paper asking if anyone, preferrably someone without children of her own and may have always wanted them, would want to adopt me. Love me and i would love her in return. I would want nothing from her other than her love. I would want to give to her and spoil her rotten. This is pretty sad actually of wanting to put an ad in the paper but i don't know how else to go about it.
Have i done that? NO! Doesn't really seem feasible, not to mention the cost. Plus who on earth does something like that anyway. There has to be another way to find a mom! I just don't know what that is.
I tell my therapist that she would have it easy really because i'm potty trained, can feed myself, am schooled, early fifties, even married so she'd have a son in law. :) What more could one lucky woman want! (grinning big writing that).
I just have a HUGE hole in my soul, in my heart, that i know only a mother could fill. To think i may die with that hole never filled, sickens me, brings me to tears.
So, this is why (in a nutshell) that Mother's Day is so hard for me and will always be if and when i, too, can find a mother to both love and be loved from. If you are out there in the world somewhere, i pray that someday God will bring us together!
Happy Mother's Day wherever you are!