Thursday, April 29, 2010
Today I am having a really bad "healthy me" day.
It really started last night when a meeting I had ran long and I didn't get home until about 11:00 pm. from a day that had begun at 04:00.
When I finally got home, DH offered me leftovers from the dinner he had made for himself: fried Spam and french fries. At least it was "light" Spam. I keep a few cans on hand in our emergency preparedness kit because it has a shelf life of like - forever. So, hubby raided the emergency supplies because he loves Spam and I will not make it for him unless we're under some disaster alert.
I passed on the leftovers, feeling very proud of myself (although IDK why. I ate cheese dip and pita chips at the meeting - not the healthiest choice in the world). I decided to sit down and check my email before turning in. That was a big mistake because I ended up reading emails until way past midnight. At one point, I went and grabbed the bag of leftover Spam and fries and took it back with me to the computer desk - where I sat there and ate ALL the leftovers. Not like it was a ton, but still! Since when did I start eating in the middle of the night?
When I finally did make myself go to bed, it was past 1:00 am. and I had trouble going to sleep. The last glance I had at the clock, it said "3:17."
Needless to say, when the alarm went off at 04:00 this morning, I was not a happy camper. I allow myself a lot of leeway in the mornings, so I turned of the "first" alarm and went back to sleep. I got up after hitting "snooze" on the 6:00 am. alarm several times and when my feet hit the floor, I realized that I had just slept away my time for doing laundry and household chores AND the time I set aside for my morning workout. I started the coffee and jumped in the shower, but when it was time to leave for work, I still felt barely awake - which accounts for why I forgot all about breakfast, lunch and dinner.
So, with no fuel in my tummy, no exercise under my belt, and not enough coffee to keep my eyelids open, I arrived at work - late and groggy. I managed for a while but around 10:30 am., my tummy reminded me that I had skipped breakfast. Instead of doing the smart thing and sticking with Plan B - instant oatmeal that I keep at my desk - I did the dumb thing and bought a cinnamon roll from the vending machine. Not the smartest choice but at least it was only 400 empty calories.
Fast forward to lunch time. (I wish I could have fast-forwarded, the morning felt like it was a week long!) I have a taste for a big, fat, juicy hamburger loaded with grilled onions and mushrooms and topped with Swiss cheese. My brain registers that I am only craving that because I am sleep-deprived, but some unseen force orders me to disregard the warning. I go to the restaurant and order the big, fat, juicy burger in a combo - with fries and an iced tea. Suddenly, just as the clerk was telling me how much I owed, some demon inside me blurted out that I wanted a small order of fried onion rings added on. Yes...and I ate all of that. Every last crumb. I was gathering speed, rolling downhill without so much as an emergency brake. Well over 3000 empty calories for the lunch fiasco, I feel sure.
Now it's mid-afternoon and I feel stuffed - and groggier than ever. There isn't enough caffeine in the world to perk me up at this point. I still have a ways to go before I can call it a day. And I realize now that I did not consult my menu plan this morning which means I did not ask or answer the question "what's for dinner" so I will have to cook something on the fly after I get home. I feel like I could fall asleep at any second.
Oh, yeah...and my water bottle is sitting at home on the kitchen counter.
This is not a good state of affairs.
I am not judging myself or beating myself up over the mistakes I made, but I sure am wallowing in the consequences. I am reminding myself: This is how you feel when you don't eat properly, get adequate sleep, stay well-hydrated, or get at least a little bit of exercise into your day. It feels horrible, awful, terrible, and very bad. I feel like an exhausted, bloated, fat, uncoordinated lump. I hope I burn these feelings so deep into my memory that I never, ever get myself into this state again. These are the physical feelings I'm talking about here.
The emotional feelings are pretty well under control given the circumstances. I'm angry with myself for making the bad choices that got me into this predicament, but it is a righteous anger, not one that calls me names or tells me I am worthless. It is a "why would you do this to yourself?" kind of anger.
I am trying to use this as a learning experience so I'll be smarter the next time about how one thing wants to lead to another. I am contemplating how a series of bad choices compound one another. I am reminding myself that the way I feel physically is my own doing. And I am posting this as an example of what NOT to do if you want to have a healthy lifestyle.
And I'm hoping I can stay awake and alert enough to make it through the rest f the day and evening. I promise to go to bed at a decent hour tonight. Honest!