When I was little I use to have these dreams where I was being chased. I dont know who was doing the chasing but I wanted to get away. I would try and try with all my might to run as fast as I could but it seemed the harder I tried the slower I would go and I would inch along at a snails pace like I was wrapped in chains pulling a truck behind me. All of a sudden I realized that what I was doing was not working so I would then turn around backwards and lean back and run backwards into the wind and all of a sudden all that weight was gone and I could run fast and free. It felt like I was being held up by invisable hands and I could move my legs as fast as they needed to go.
Today is the third day of me attempting to run and I have to say It felt a whole lot like the dreams I was in when I was a kid, except this time I knew that turning around backwards was not going to do me a damn bit of good. I have been running on the back street behind my house, which is not a very long street and has three huge electrical towers on it... one at each end and one in the middle. I have been running to one tower and then walking to the next and doing that over and over again for around 20 minutes.
I want to be one of the people that love to run, I really do, but as it stands I dont like running. I feel so heavy for one, I feel like I am 250 pounds again when I run, every stride I feel like the weight of the world is on top of me, when all I want to feel is light and free.
So It was really hard for me to get outside today, I figured that I would go out when my daughter laid down to go to bed at 7:00.... of course she had other plans and desided to scream as loud as she could when I laid her down... Like she was back in her crib being murdered. My husband is sitting on the computer playing world of warcraft and he is in a raid so he cant get up.... grrr.... All I wanted was 20 minutes... thats all I wanted! Instead I have to go back there and sit with her and try to get her to go to sleep... there is nothing wrong with her of course, as soon as I am back there she is bouncing around in her crib pointing at stuff in the room saying "whats that?" "look at this" ... its cute but I am still highly annoyed. She has done this for the past 5 nights, the first two because she was sick... but now she is just being a little brat that dosent want to go to bed.
So I stay back there for like 20 minutes and she dosent want to go to sleep still so I get up and say "go to sleep Im leaving" and leave the room. Its quiet when I leave the room, 10..... 9....... 8...... 7........ 6....... 5......... 4........ 3.........2.....1 "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
Back to being murdered.
So I just get her up. I put her down in the living room with her brother who is watching thomas the tank engine and tell my husband that I am going out for 15 minutes to run. The minute I say the word "outside" she starts screaming again and runs over to me and lifts her arms up for me to hold her. Im standing in the door way that leads from the living room to the kitchen banging my head against the door frame.... "all I want is 15 minutes for me!" ::sobbing::
So I go in and turn off Aidens thomas and put on something she likes... so he is all pouty.... I cant win..... and I leave the house.
By this time, my cheese cake that is in the oven has 15 minutes and the sun is about to set. I walk fast for like 4 minutes and then start to jog between my posts. I tried to push myself to run a little farther than I did yesterday or the day before expecially since I knew I only had 10 minutes as it was. I felt like I was going to die... and my nose wanted to run faster than my feet because I am still kinda sick..... so Im sniffling and dieing and my shorts keep ridding up and I keep pulling them back down my thighs..... and all the while I am thinking, "Is this ever going to be easy?.... Can I do this?..... Can I really get to where I can run over 3 miles in 6 weeks? .... Hell can I get to where I can run for 1/2 a mile in 6 weeks?"
Its really hard for me to picture myself being able to do this and as it stands I hate running and OMG is it hard to find time to get away from my kids.... I sign up for a 5k and they become the most clingy little monsters on the face of the earth.
I got in and my cheesecake was slightly overcooked.... damn..... because I had stayed out 5 minutes over what I planned. I finally got my munchkin in bed after another 1/2 hour up.
Here I sit now hoping that this will all get a bit easier... I know that the whole time issue is just something that I am going to have to work out a little better with my husband. He told me when I signed up for this thing that he would help me out with them so I could go out and run.... He seems to have forgoten that conversation now. we will work that out though. The thing I am worried about is what if this dosent get easier... what if I cant go more than a minute after a few weeks without feeling like Im going to keel over. lol. I know that the human body is an amazing thing... even mine.... so Im going to try and trust in that and give it a little time.
Thanks for listening to my vent