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    JOHNTJ1   68,210
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Finding Me (I Was There All Along)


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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

“Okay John, if you are so gosh awfully smart why are you so fat? Isn’t that a lack of discipline, intelligence and any other character flaw you might like to throw in there? I mean, isn’t it? How can you teach the stuff you teach, and say the things you say and still be as one tiny little child called you “El Gordo!”

That’s a good question, one I have asked myself for awhile now. This morning as I lie in bed the answer came to me. It was there all the time; I just hadn’t bothered to look for it in the right place.

I began to become healthier and happier when I stopped thinking and started living. I threw away the surveys, the charts and the graphs and embarked upon a journey to reclaim John. I started believing from my heart. I began to become authentic, in other words, the real John. I became vulnerable.

This journey was accelerated, clarified, use whatever word you like to use by a Spark friend who sent me a link to another web site last week. The gist of what the website said is incorporated in the quote on my Spark Page.

"I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified."

It was a much needed slap in the face. It says if you are gonna talk the talk you better walk the walk and yeah John I led you here for a reason and its not as a dear priest friend of mine once said to “Play patty-cake in the holy water.”

I knew exactly what it meant when I read it. It didn’t scare me, it challenged me. It means I have to be authentic. I have to be John. The three hundred twenty six pound person who began this journey a little over four months ago was as close to being John as the sun was to the moon. He was fat, he was miserable and he had a lifetime supply of tee shirts that read “Denial Is Not Just a River In Egypt.” He refused to acknowledge a number of things in his life. He couldn’t talk about them because he wouldn’t think about them. He was running from himself. Other people had health issues but not John. He stood above all.

I got tired of being fat and in that misery I was led to the journey I am on now. It led me to health but that health came only when I stopped thinking with my head and living with my heart. My resistance was broken down by my misery.
It meant not being afraid to tell people I need them and their wisdom. It meant opening myself up to new ideas and to ideas that came from other people as well as myself. It meant reconnecting with the me I left sitting on a park bench so many years ago who patiently waited for my return.

It means smiling and being proud of what I do. It means being awesomely blown away some mornings that people look at me as a positive example and realizing I have an awesome obligation to live up to. Realizing I have that obligation and actually look forward to fortifying it on a daily basis.

It means opening up to you. It means sharing things and then really worrying all day that I am going to have a ton of people think poorly of because I opened up and then laughing at myself because some days I truly am “a real piece of work.”
You, sitting at your PC, in your office, on your blackberry reading this, are what gives me momentum. I need you. I am not afraid to tell you that. That’s what is written on my heart.

I need to hear about the fifteen pound weight loss and the 5k run and the awesome aerobics class and how you made a new friend. I stand in front of you jumping up and down waving and yelling “me too, me too.”

You make me feel a part of something. I need to read about your triumphs and your adversities because the competitive part of me then joins in and kicks it up a notch.

That’s what you do for me, along with your gentle, loving words.

A Spark friend wrote me last night and said “I am not sure how you can love someone you never met, but I do. I have so many Spark friends I may never meet but love dearly.”

It’s easy my dear friend. It took me fifty seven years to find the answer. You love those people you may never, ever meet because you allow them to love you. If you believe you serve no other purpose in life, believe that you are here to love someone and encourage someone by the beautiful and simple fact that you were created.

Okay, so why are you sitting there?

Let yourself be loved. It’s not as hard as you think.

Just ask me
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MARCYNA 5/4/2010 6:43AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
I was thinking about handcuffs and setting ourselves free from greed, envy and jealousy but you said it much more beautifully, John!!!!!

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TRISHP1961 5/2/2010 8:02AM

    Good luck on your journey! Thanks so much for sharing!

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FANAMAMA 4/22/2010 9:08AM

    Dear John, and I start it that way, using the term dear as it is meant to be used - what a dear, dear person you are. Allowing ourselves to be loved is a HUGE step because we do not love ourselves - at least not in the condition most of us are in. So thank you, thank you for loving us all as we are - where we are - and who we are. And thank you for allowing US to love YOU back. God bless you, dear John.

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KATIEGLEN012 4/22/2010 4:58AM

    Love you.

Especially love your compassion, determination, warmth, generosity, intelligence, sensitivity, vulnerability, faith and those are just the ones that came to me without having to think. I sometimes have wondered if you have always been this open or if it is a result of this journey.

I see you incorporating the new you into work and family. I feel privileged to be a small part of the rebirth of John. emoticon

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WANNABE751 4/22/2010 3:39AM

    A great blog. You are unique in your writing, I could feel the emotion as I read love of self and love for others. Your family are lucky to have you as you are an amazing man!

emoticon

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TINKERBELL200 4/21/2010 9:44PM

    John great blog, but you have been walking the walk! You're making tremendous strides in changing not just your life, but your lifestyle. keep it up you inspire me! I hear your i tunes!!! LOL!
emoticon
Lynne

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EGGENS 4/21/2010 9:39PM

    emoticon Loved it!

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WANDAH3 4/21/2010 5:11PM

    You truly are an "earth angel"

Hugs,
Wanda

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DALMOMOF3 4/21/2010 4:15PM

    What an amazing blog, good for you!!! This one touched me, thank you for sharing

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MORTICIAADDAMS 4/21/2010 2:40PM

    I am loved and your are as well. And I'm certain that your children would never be "El rudo" enough to call anyone "El Gordo". That's terrible!!!

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SUNMOONSTAR9 4/21/2010 1:46PM

  emoticon this blog really put a lot into perspective for me.

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JJSSKINNYGIRL 4/21/2010 1:22PM

    Ok, I got it this time. This blog is like your love song to us. We sing our love to you in every response we give and now you are singing one to us. Along with the song, you give yourself a lesson:

TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE!

You also take that lesson and try to teach us the same lesson with hopes that we won't have to do it the hard way as you have.

How was that analogy? Did I understand it this time?

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SPARKENISTA 4/21/2010 12:45PM

    John--You have been walking the walk and being genuine the entire time you've been @ SP. That is why you have such a following. You are emoticon

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TEDYBEAR2838 4/21/2010 12:27PM

    You put things so well into words. Thank you . You bless a lot of folks on Spark People!

Keep on Keeping ON!

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KT-NICHOLS-13 4/21/2010 12:06PM

    "I started believing from my heart." - maybe this is what I really need to do! That and, "Let yourself be loved." Thank you!


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TEENY_BIKINI 4/21/2010 11:50AM

    emoticon

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GEEMAWEST 4/21/2010 10:35AM

    What a great blog to read to start my day off right. Awesome! Wonderful! Superb! Thank you so much for taking the time to write for us. We are all so blessed to have you in our lives.

Love, Cheryl

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JJSSKINNYGIRL 4/21/2010 10:34AM

    I'm afraid I'm going to have to come back later and read this again. I didn't quite get it.

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MAMADONNA57 4/21/2010 10:33AM

    Another great blog! You have an amazing gift not only for writing but for identifying what people are feeling without really realizing it, by showing them, you inspire and help them tremendously! Thank you! emoticon

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YOYONOMORE1 4/21/2010 9:59AM

    And the most important of these is LOVE! If we can't love ourselves how are we going to love others. Thanks John for another great blog.

Hugs,
Shirl

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CMBELISLE 4/21/2010 9:47AM

    Your quote is excellent and should touch many people, especially parents - how can we "preach" to our children about what is right or wrong, in life or health, if we do not "practice what we preach"? I have to set the example for those around me - I can't expect someone else to do it.

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LISSYSMOM02 4/21/2010 9:42AM

    You are truly an amazing man! I am new to your page but I get a warm and fuzzy feeling every time I read something you write. You are very inspirational! Thank you for sharing your blogs!!! emoticon

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MUGGLE_MOM 4/21/2010 9:24AM

    Another one that brought tears to my eyes. You have such a wonderful insight. I am so glad to have found you.

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DEVENIRBELLE 4/21/2010 9:15AM

    Thanks. The reality is that we are all connected and we need to help one another!

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GREENCAT1 4/21/2010 9:05AM

    John - It is so hard to feel lovable or worthy of love when you are overweight. Thanks for the reminder that i am lovable. After all, I am a child of God, as we all are.

Love,
Cathy emoticon

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JAE_HENNINGTON 4/21/2010 9:04AM

  you always write just to my heart. I am learning to live authentically. and it is scary as hell. I was having a difficult time last night. I was very down. See I am afraid to be me. To show people who I really am. My mother always told me if you tell or show people who you really are. You will be rejected. I was terrified of me and my life and of people. I am afraid to show people my vulnerabilities. It dawned on me last night I hold people at a distance because of that fear. In my aha moment last night I realized other people are not my mother. She lied to me.. people wouldnt reject me, those were her words and they don't have to be my reality....thank you so much for being who you are and allowing us to be a part of your life. emoticon

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BUGGYS 4/21/2010 8:51AM

    Oh John...you really put the truth behind all of your blogs and you give me hope!!! emoticon

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MARENAMOO 4/21/2010 8:38AM

    Hey John,

My Spark theme this month is let the light shine in - being honest and throwing the light into the dark corners where we hide eating the food and being lazy. When we are honest with ourselves and others we let the light shine into places where shame and guilt hide - With nowhere to hide they are banished. That is what you are doing - banishing the shame and encouraging others to do the same. This way we don't have to hang our head we can look straight on and embrace the life that is coming at us.

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DOLLBABE56 4/21/2010 8:37AM

    We are all so blessed to have the honor of reading your blogs, and getting to know you. Loving oneself is something I will eternally work towards. A work in progress. I have made so many wonderful friends here on Spark. You are in the top 5!

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MARCYNA 4/21/2010 8:30AM

    WoW...Love always find a way to connect people even if they cannot meet.
I'll tell you a story.
A woman in prayer asked for the money to call her friends from Europe back in South America and received these words :
"If you love and think about your friends, they will FEEL it even if you have no money to pay for the phone calls" and her friends told her they actually had heard her voice as if she had been there.
Amazing, ain't it???
Love

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LBIMAMMA 4/21/2010 8:22AM

    I am so thankful I landed on your blog page---I needed to hear those words today. emoticon emoticon

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JPRICE217 4/21/2010 8:20AM

    Good blog John! For the longest I was a wife and a mother i didn't know who I was after my husband died and my son was grown I had to find out who I was. I'm still working on this.

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AMABILE75 4/21/2010 8:17AM

    Yet another wonderful blog. I truly hope that one day I'll be able to reach out and encourage half as many people as you do. You are amazing.

This is such an incredible journey of finding the person deep inside of us just bursting to come through. Some days it is much more difficult to find ourselves, but showing love to one another is a great start!!

Thanks again my friend.

emoticon

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ALPOPLUP 4/21/2010 8:07AM

    it is so true, you have to believe you deserve to be loved and allow yourself to be loved

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