Clarity Is Surprising
Monday, April 19, 2010
To be blunt, I have been a mess. If you have been reading my last few blogs, they have been less "me" than normal. Full of self doubt, re-evaluation, and a sense of worry. I think everything just got overwhelming. With R. being sick, the lack of work, and R. slipping back and forth through mental illness, I was drowning. The only control I was feeling was over my body, my weight, and my health. But then I got the mix of comments regarding my current weight status and I got even more overwhelmed.
Monday was supposed to be mine and R's 7 year anniversary, which he celebrated with stupidity and followed up with a minor psychotic episode. It all lasted days. Things were bad and I was low, but at the same time, I was accustomed to it. I had gotten used to poor decisions by him and being taken for granted because he has been sick already for so long. I had gotten used to a lack of treatment, so poor treatment didn't seem abnormal either.
Then my BFF S. arrived in Cali from VT. We have been friends since we were 14. She calls it likes she sees it, and is the nicest person I know. In her words, "I don't think I have seen you this unhappy in a really really long time." The funny part is, I new I wasn't happy, but I didn't realize how far I had let it go, until it was pointed out by someone I talk to, but hadn't seen in a long time. She wasn't judging me or trying to advise me. She was just there, listening. And she was nice to me. That in itself was a lot to take in. It has been a long time since someone was just genuinely exceptionally nice to me, wanting nothing in return. And I started to realize that this is all pretty sad. What to do, what to do...
That night I drove home, sitting in traffic because I forgot everyone and their brother was on their way out of LA to the Coachella Music Fest, which I happen to live near. Duh. My bf R. was still fairly out of it. On my way to see S. he called my friend A. that lives in Indiana while going to law school and asked to speak to me, convinced she and I were at her house her in Cali. Freaked her out a bit. This had all been regardless of the conversations and the 3 post-its on the TV, fridge and computer stating where I was and MY cell #. So I had a lot to think about and a lot of time to do it.
The conclusion: R is moving into the guest room and we are on a break of sorts. Remember, R is still in interferon treatment, but I can't support destructive decisions. Yet, I can't be a cold-hearted b*tch and toss him out when he is in chemo either since he has no family. I still love and care about him. A more lucid R knows he has some choices and work to do in order to keep me/save us. I just can't trust him at the moment because of the continual disappointment and little lies that just start to add up, on top of just expecting me to always take it and be there. I am over it because I know that I am worthy of someone who chooses me over every bad option every time.
You are probably wondering what the heck he did. Well, not to go into too many details, it didn't involve another woman, but this particular issue goes back a ways and resurfaced. It involves a new prescription he was prescribed that he can't manage to take responsibly, knows it, and was refusing to deal with it. At first it wasn't an issue because he did as he should, but now it is, and when you are at the point that you can't remember what you did one day to the next, you have a problem...not to mention when it can lead to a minor psychotic break because you have a history of mental illness. I guess you could say that my stand is a form of intervention...for him and for myself. So to the middle room he goes.
This is really hard. I changed the rules in my life and in the biggest relationship in it, at least for the moment. R is being understanding, which tells me he gets it. So that is good. He is not pushing. Time will tell. I have NO idea what will happen. I still love him and hope he figures it out. But I think I finally figured out that if he chooses not to, if he doesn't choose me because the other feeling is more important, I will be okay without him as a boyfriend. If we do end it, I can see how we would be that couple that will always be friends, those weird ones you can't figure out how they stay friends.
And the weirdest part is, once I figured out that he could move into the guest room and we could give each other a break (from decision making, influencing, space, etc.) I felt free, like I could finally see everything as it was. After I talked to R. I started to feel happier. I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm not sleepy all the time anymore. I'm okay, and I will be...with whatever happens.