Saturday, April 17, 2010
I find it kind of amazing how each change in my life creates a sense of loss and grief within me. Even changes for the positive create a sadness over the loss of what had been so familiar to me. Over the past month, I have had some of the strangest experiences with this.
EATING-As I prepare to hear what my peer coach from group therapy recommends I change in my nutritional habits. I am looking forward to the positive change this will lead to, yet have so many fears, increasing my anxiety right now. Will this program overwhelm me by asking me to change my many habits at once, or will it allow me to do things in little steps? Will I let others into my life enough and listen to their suggestions for making such changes? Is this program even going to help me?
I recognize that many, if not all, of these thoughts are irrational, as the members of the group are so supportive and nonjudgemental. Just last weekend, I had a great time one evening bowling with one of the members and her friends. It was so great to interact with people, when it didn't center around eating, but instead conversation and having fun. My fears of being pushed into something and or feeling overwhelmed, really don't make sense, as my peer coach told us during group that it took her a good ten years to be consistent enough with the changes she needed to make in her life for the program to be effective for her. Maybe my fear should be my impatience, instead of fear of not being perfect or fast.
JOB-As I have only worked 2 months in the last 8 mo. and want to get back to working so badly, I am actually grieving the fact that I will not have so much unstructured time. In reality, it seems to me that having more structure to my time will actually mean that I quit putting off activities to do later in the day/week/etc. Earning a pay check could lower my anxiety over the bills, especially the surprise ones, like yesterday's $750 check engine light. I can also see having a job building my self esteem/image, make me feel like I have a purpose in my life and decrease my over sleeping, mindless eating, and time reliving/remembering the past and how I want to change it.
Not that the loss of 3 jobs in a row didn't hurt. It creates a little anxiety over how long my next job will last and whether I will like it or not. There is also the stress of whether I will even pick the right job, as there are a couple of them that I think would be great opportunities for me and push me toward my graduate degree. (I think within this next week, I will be hired for a job. I am hoping on Monday to be cleared from my surgical lifting restrictions, so I can return working per diem.)
RENTER-One of my losses this past week is that my renter moved out. I should be glad, as she seemed to struggle paying the rent. Yet, I had found her presence reassuring. We stayed out of each others way, but I felt a certain amount of reassurance that I would be less likely to injure myself or do anything else that could lead to my embarrassment in front of her and her friends. She did leave the room as clean or cleaner than when I gave it to her and I do have a check on her boy friend's account for the remainder of the rent, so I guess I have nothing to complain about. I am just grieving over the lost companionship, even though we rarely interacted.
I can tell that I am moving forward in life. I am just having a hard time walking away from a life I became to comfortable and complacent with. I know that I can walk away from a life that is not in my best interest, as I have done so before. Yet, eventually, I will end up having to share with my family, the 1st life style I left, about this new life I am in the development stages of. I recognize that a lot of the above emotions are fueled by my concern regarding how my family will interact with me as/after I make these changes, especially when I no longer let them control my decisions through their emotional manipulation. (I so miss not being near them, but realize that it is not worth my short time on life's stage, when it means that I am not truly myself.)
I can make it. This is just emotional growing pains. They will hurt, but they will also teach me lessons. They will help me grow in ways that can and cannot be seen. What will come from this seed that is sprouting in the spring tears? I am unsure, but I know God will create a beautiful and purposeful person. Thank you, God.