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    HAPPYLEN   5,424
4,000-5,499 SparkPoints

A new beginning.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

it's been a while now since i abandoned this umpteenth attempt at sparkpeople and healthy living once again... it's probably been 2 or more months since i last logged on. and i truly hate doing this... i hate starting over. i hate failing. i hate trying. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.... but i gotta try again. because death is the only other option...and that's a notion that's not too far-fetched anymore.

while i was out running errands on thursday, i was coming out of a starbucks and began to experience chest pains... now i've had chest pains before, but they're starting to come more often than ever. and they hurt now and don't subside as quickly as they used to. then, i did a really stupid thing. stupid and insane. i ignore them, got behind the wheel and drove. i uttered a quick prayer in my head to ask God to please help me, to please make the pain go away. and they eventually did... but what if they didn't?? what if i killed myself and/or someone else on the road if my chest pains became a full-blown heart attack?? what if i just keeled over at the starbucks and died?

the coroners would have to rule it a suicide. it may not have had the makings of dramatized suicides... no razors to the wrists, no carbon monoxide inhaled, no self-poisoning, sticking my head in an over, carrying weights to a swim or jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge... but it'd have been suicide. suicide by skipped exercises, by too many donuts, huge portions of drive-thru fat-ladden slop... suicide by negligence, suicide by choosing to self-gratify instead of self-care, suicide by choosing a life of inertia over energy.

and i'm not even 30 yet. i've no kids, no property, no legacy of any kind. no accomplishment or service worthy to present before the judgment seat of my Lord, so that i might say i served him well. and what of my mother? how could i be so selfish as to leave her with the costs - financial, emotional, physical - of having to bury her daughter?

i've been mulling the idea of re-starting my journey w/ spark for a while now... maybe the last three weeks. and i don't know what led me to go thru the ignored spark emails that've collected over the past two months. i just wanted to collect points for each email... but one caught my attention: a blog posted by SKINNYME82, about her friend who died at only 49 years old because of an unhealthy lifestyle. and it just kept reminding me of me... where i could be not too long from now. and i can only hope that this is the last time i have to restart... but if it isn't, i'll never hesitate to keep doing it as long as i still live. because again, death is not a considerable option.


below is the reply i posted on SKINNYME82's blog. i'm posting it here for my posterity so that i'll always remember.

thank you so much for sharing this... your love and grief for your friend is evident, but i'm so blessed that you pressed though it and shared this warning.

i know it's nearly a month since you posted this blog, so it might seem strange that i'm just writing to you now. as it often happens with this struggle to lose weight, i've been on a long, long hiatus from my path and been vacationing in denial... i stopped weighing myself, stopped watching my portions, stopped tracking my food, stopped even entertaining thoughts of exercise. and lately it has taken it's toll... not just the usual not running fast enough, running out of energy quickly, sleeping too long struggles that i've come to see as normal...

yesterday, i had major chest pains... and they wouldn't go away. it took all the prayer i had in me and God's grace that i didn't collapse and die of a heart attack yesterday while i was out w/ these chest pains. but i ignored the small signs so long, that i just don't know what i would've done if...

anyway, going thru my inbox for spark emails, i came across your blog... and it truly woke me up. i can't pretend there isn't a problem anymore or pretend that i'll be ok with dying. i don't even turn 30 until may 31... i don't have any kids yet, nothing to present before God as my service here on earth if i should meet him. and i just can't keep refusing to take care of myself anymore... esp not after reading about your friend.

thank you for your candor. i'm sure your friend was a very lovely person who'll be greatly missed. but i can't help but feel angry for you and the other loved ones she left behind. because she ignored her own body, because she chose to self-gratify instead of self-care and because she didn't care to do the work, she cheated you all and God of the light she brings into the world. and even if i don't know either of you, my life is jolted by your message... because i only hope that it isn't too late for me.

thank you again!

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
ZELLAZM 4/22/2010 2:14PM

    Just now seeing this post, Len. It's good to know you're back. His mercies are new every morning - in fact, I have that on my spark page now because I want to be reminded of myself - Often!


That's a rather sad-looking picture of Jesus. But it's a good reminder, too --- that HE is up there on his throne of grace praying for us right now.

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    Don't drop the bundle. It is okay to have a slip. Get up and go because tomorrow is another day. Look at the good things you are doing & improve on that each day.

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VTORIA3 4/17/2010 5:36AM

    Your honesty is sobering. I am so glad that you are starting again. Better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at all. When I first started, I was miserable with a capital M. Some days my mood was so black, I couldn't wait to go to bed at night just to be rid of me. Finally, after 3 weeks, my withdrawal ended, and I started to feel more upbeat. We sparkers have many starts and stops. And that's not failure, it's changing a habit and that takes time. Most important is to try to have more good days than bad ones. At some point, something sticks and I think it has a lot to do with the support from fellow least it did for cynical me. Blogging as you are is a really good way to stay plugged in to get support and encouragement.

Best of luck on this important journey to better health. Keep telling yourself, you deserve this. Remember, baby steps all the way. Slow and steady wins the race this time. emoticon

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DEUSMACHINA 4/17/2010 5:31AM

    Wow! What a powerful blog. You're right, though. There is only one way: to keep trying. And boy do I know what you mean about hating having to try. I have regular bouts of diet-rage and unfairness-rage. Why me? Why do I put on weight so easily while my partner doesn't? Why am I the one that has to watch every single mouthful? GAH! Don't even get me started!

But here we are. Still at it. The single biggest piece of advice I can give you is to get really involved here at Spark. Check out this blog:

from a chap called John. He perfectly describes the alchemy that happens here on SparkPeople. So come on! Get involved! Meet people! I'm going to friend you RIGHT NOW to keep an eye on you! ;) Join some good teams that help keep you motivated. You KNOW you can do this!


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