Monday, April 05, 2010
While what I achieved today may seem minor to many, they were the first of many baby steps to me and I am proud of myself.
I am trying to find the words to sum up how I have been feeling lately and while I am not sure depressed covers it, it is the closest thing I can come up with. Everything has spun out of control. My home is a mess, my car is a mess, my finances are a mess, and my body is a mess. And I haven't had the energy or the drive to take care of any of it.
Today was my day off and while usually that would mean doing next to nothing except sleeping and occasionally thinking about the stuff I should be doing I got up. I had breakfast. I thought about going back to sleep. I hung out on spark people for a little while then I started to clean my car. I can't even begin to explain how bad my car was or how/why I let it get to this point but it was bad. It took 4 big black garbage bags to bring all the stuff in my car up to the apartment. I purposely decided to turn this into a physical activity in that I brought each one up two flights of stairs one at a time. I also only brought what I could carry in my hands to the garbage bin without a bag taking multiple trips. As I brought everything up to the apartment I made sure to put everything away. I am ashamed to say that I had a full dishwasher full of mugs and tupperware in my car. I washed it all.
I washed all of the towel in the apartment.
During breaks from cleaning I finally started reading The Spark (I finally found it in my car.)
And for the first time in weeks I made dinner for myself.
I am hoping that I am making a lifestyle change I am so afraid that these are one time things and not a real lasting change. I can't continue with things the way they have been. I am trying to take small baby steps. I think blogging on here is helping. putting my thoughts into words makes me acknowledge what is going on in my head.
As always I want to list my gratitudes
I am grateful for my family.
I am grateful to have a car
I am grateful for the abundance in my life that would allow me to have 4 bags of stuff in my car
i am grateful for the people who read my blogs and acknowledge them