This entry started out as a post for one of my teams chat threads and morphed into a blog...
To give a little background, I started having some hip pain in November and pretty much ignored it until I had nerve pain in my back/butt/leg and was diagnosed with two slightly bulging discs in my low back. I've been rehabbing from that for about 6 weeks now. Another lesson learned - LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!!! (Plus doctors are really there to help and MRI machines are really loud!)
So I personally made a bit of progress today...
Today I have been 2 weeks Advil free and about 3 weeks major pain free.
Joe, my physical therapist, has cleared me to go back to the gym and workout - except for squats, lunges, bent over rows, and overhead presses... I have his blessing to Zumba at home and build up my time there (so far have done 12 minutes without any ill effect). Great news, right?
Well yes... BUT (you felt that "but" coming on, didn't you?) I am AFRAID of the gym. I've been on this journey for just over 2 years. I overcame a fear of the gym a little over a year ago... and now I'm afraid again... totally different reasons... but I'm paralyzed again.
Joe has encouraged me to use the different weight machines... and to do core and balance work like before... BUT I haven't used any machines at the gym for over TWELVE YEARS. I've been training with Kurt and the only machine I've used with him is the cable cross machine... I'm overwhelmed at thinking about learning all the machines and figuring out a whole new routine. I'm AFRAID to work with Kurt as half of what I do with him revolves around squats, lunges, kettlebell exercises and presses... I can't envision another type of workout with him...
I've been STEWING over this for a week now... but tonight I "got brave" and e-mailed Sue. Now Sue is one of the instructors at the gym... she's been a mentor in a lot of ways to me and my friend Sionne. She's actually the one who encouraged me to take the Zumba Certification... anyway, Sue's "real job" is to train trainers. She's got a degree in Sports Psychology, she teaches all types of classes - strength, aqua, dance, yoga, Pilates - you name it she knows it... She's also the one to told me that I NEEDED to go to the doctor and have my back checked out because the thought my symptoms sounded like disc issues because she's "been there/done that" too. I reached out to her because I knew she'd be the perfect person to help me get past this current block.
Sue agreed to meet with me and help me!!! We aren't going to be able to meet up this Friday as our schedules don't mesh, but we're on for the Friday after that. I already feel better knowing that I have a direction again, even if I'm not sure exactly what direction that is!
I've been in limbo for too long now - really since last November. I need to MOVE FORWARD again. Bouncing between 160 and 165 isn't the end of the world, but it's NOT where I want to stay.
I've been looking at myself in the mirror lately and ONLY seeing the FAT. I look in the mirror and I'm 300 pounds again. I'm DISGUSTED with myself...
Then tonight I read this blog by my SparkFriend and fellow Orange Crusher, Simone:
I guess I'm not the only one who needs to step back and be friends with her "present self."
It was just the reality check I needed. Throughout the injury, pain, holidays, rehab, stress, fear... I've pretty much maintained... I've done stupid things, I've fallen off the wagon, I've gotten back on the wagon... but I'm STILL HERE. I STILL BELIEVE that I'm going to make it to goal. I know that I CAN do that. I might not make it to goal as quickly as I'd like, but I'm not really in a race... I'm in this for the long haul. I want to be HEALTHY for the rest of my life... and that means refocusing and getting back to business.
Those tips I have for new Sparkers - Water, Track, Move and Spark... well guess what - they're STILL the CORE of my program. I NEED to get back to those BASICS on a consistent basis again. Water hasn't ever been an issue. Sparking hasn't been an issue... but I have gotten lax about tracking and staying in range. I went for over a year staying in range - and I lost about 120 pounds. Guess what - maybe if I stay in range for another year, I reach goal and learn to maintain at my goal weight. Nice idea, right? If I get moving again and find BALANCE I'll be in the BEST shape of my life. Nice idea, right?
Here's the thing... they aren't just ideas - they are POTENTIAL REALITIES. There's NOTHING that's stopping me from making that happen except for ME. I have GOT to quit being my own worst enemy. I stop my progress. I FEED my fears. I hold myself back. I have to STOP those behaviors. I have broken down so many walls and pushed past so many barriers. I've been inspired, challenged, supported and awed by my SparkFreinds. I know that everyone on here who I've had contact with, no matter how small, has been instrumental on my journey.
The friends I've made at the gym, coworkers who are into fitness or dance and urged me on, my mom who still is my biggest supporter (and has lost 100 pounds herself!)... my friends who I grew up with who see my current photos and leave me messages that they can't believe it's me... the new Sparkers who stumble onto my page and thank me for sharing my journey because it gives them hope for their own journeys... every last person has helped me get this far. And I'm NOT going to let THEM or MYSELF down. I'm going to do it. There's no way I can't!
SparkPeople has opened doors for me that I didn't even know existed. Twenty-six months ago I was dying. I was killing myself with food. I was so unhappy. I hid it well... but I was miserable. I had no idea that if I could see my future, I'd see that I'd have a blast shopping for clothes. That's I could rock a LITTLE black dress. That I'd be a "dancer" or become certified to teach Zumba. That I'd own a road bike and be planning to do riding events and dreaming about doing a mini-tri. That the gym would become a second home and that I'd find so many new like-minded new friends. I didn't know that I had collar bones, shoulder blades or ribs! I didn't know that my fingers and wrists would shrink so that I could wear bracelets and rings. I had NO IDEA that I'd find a community such as SparkPeople and that I'd find a place to fly.
I truly can't thank SparkPeople's staff enough for making this site available to help so many people change their lives. I will continue my healthy journey and I'll do my best to Spread the Spark along the way.
Everyone has speed bumps and personal challenges and fears that try and hold them back. I'm no different. But seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the flash vision of life as a healthy person, the dream of an amazing future... I'm holding onto all that. I'm determined to make it. I will. I can. I believe.