Sunday, March 21, 2010
I've been spending some time in the last three weeks looking through a friend's photo albums. He's been bringing up one every couple days. He's very organized and his albums generally represent about a year, starting with New Years or the Superbowl and ending with Christmas.
We've done about 10 years now.
So I've been looking at albums for three weeks and doing, really DOING Spark People for 2 weeks and 4 days.
I think not.
I have ALWAYS viewed myself as fat. Really fat.
Looking through these albums with, maybe, a clearer head than I have had in the past, I've realized that I've really truly had more times that I was thinner/leaner/fitter (however it's best phrased) than I was heavier.
That has been a significant challenge to my self-image equilibrium, I'll tell you.
So we went out to eat last night.
Last weekend, I wasn't so fabulous in the eating department. I was determined to do better this time.
Always before, even on Weight Watchers, I resented it. I resented it like hell. I remember years ago, at my friends son's 1st birthday party I was on WW. I had saved points during the week for this dinner, the whole thing and I remember SO CLEARLY, I was SO ANGRY(!!!!!!) I was sitting there portioning half my food, half a roll, etc. and all these people around me were eating whatever they wanted and drinking and laughing and I was FURIOUS!!!! Why do I have to be like this?! Why can't I be like them and eat whatever I want whenever I want?!
I was MISERABLE and I could hardly WAIT to GET OUT OF THERE!!!!!! and I didn't go home and gorge or anything. I just sulked. For a good while. I stuck to WW and I eventually lost 32 pounds and I felt good and I looked good, but it wasn't right and I found those 32 pounds and the 32 pounds brought friends. And they've stayed, and had babies and more pounds have moved into the community, thinking they have a snuggly safe haven.
Cut to last night.
I ordered what I wanted (grilled shrimp, mango salsa, grilled plantain and lettuce on a soft wheat tortilla, side of rice and black beans.)
I ate the filling, left the tortillas, mixed a little of the beans with a little of the rice, had a tablespoon or so of guacamole.
I was full, I was happy, I didn't resent that the three men at the table ate an enormous amount of food.
I was proud of my choices, I was proud of my attitude about it, I was proud of my loose jeans.
I have never been like this before.
Even if I have a day on the scale that is not so hot (and I weigh FIRST THING every day. It's a compulsion and I just go with it.)
I move on.
I say to myself, "I'll do better today than yesterday."
I have NEVER said those things to me.
I have never been KIND to myself...
I have never ENCOURAGED myself...
I've only ever said things to me that I would punch someone else in the mouth for saying to me...
(long pause to read this blog to my husband...
and cry for a while...)
I thought the restaurant food-thing was "The Revelation."